You know when life gets to feeling really heavy, but you can’t point a finger at why? That is where I have been lately. I am very blessed to have an incredible and supportive husband and two beautiful babies. I have a warm home and am in the 9th year of a career I am very passionate about. I have food in the fridge and pantry, gas in our …mini van…. and really, really, life is good! I should be so grateful for all these blessing and know that so many have so much less. But that is when it hits me…the rock in my stomach. I have so much love in my home and enough material things to survive a full life-time on and then the guilt of not being okay with that all.
The house gets clean. The house gets messy. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
The laundry gets done and then someone spits up, poops, or throws up on it. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
I am going to clean the shower. Shoot. Both kids are asleep and I just got a moment to actually talk with my husband, should I take this opportunity to connect with him or clean the shower… another day the shower doesn’t get clean. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
I have lesson plans to do, meetings to attend, meetings to re-schedule and then attend, emails to write, phone calls to re-call. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
I finish 8 hours at school redirecting behaviors and come home to redirect a 2 year old and a now mobile 9 month old. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
I hit this wall about two weeks ago when I was randomly crying at the slightest and most inopportune moments, you know, the moments when you are supposed to have it all together. That is when I knew this was my bottom and I needed a change. I needed to re-prioritize and re-structure how I was living my life and by default making my family live theirs. My family deserves to have a mom and wife who is grateful, joyous, and present, as these are the traits I hope to see in them as well.
I recently read this quote, “Remove stressful activities and demands from your life. If you cannot, then learn to joyfully deal with them. Either way, no more complaining. You are in charge of what you allow in your life and how you cope.”- Brendon Burchard
So, I cleaned “house.” I stepped down from some activities that were adding muck to our lives to make room for other things that bring joy to myself and my family. I took a look at things that I thought were important and things that I thought weren’t and restructured how our home could work…. And, I started saying “no,” because I had also read the very true statement that “Every time you say yes to something, you are saying no to something else. Make sure yes is worth the no.” I am saying yes to my family. Yes to the minimal requirements. Yes to enjoying my hobbies again. And yes, to enjoying the moments we have as a family, as my littles will only be so little for so long.
I am saying no to anything that takes us away from that or that will bring negativity into our home… as life hands out enough of that yucky stuff on its own.
As I snuggled up with my little girl today, who is home sick and therefore I am home with her, I kissed her on the head and said “Thank you baby girl for making me push pause and see what is important.”
…and then we snuggled in and watched a movie together. That is a moment I can forever say yes to.