judgement

Sobriety Part 5: glancing back to walk forward

~ Ashley Lindner ~ 4 Comments

Thank you for sitting with me and hearing my story. I am so grateful to have shared the darkness of my journey and put it in the light. None of this is easy, but as we’ve learned, the easy stuff doesn’t help us grow.

We have walked through my fall, the valley and the rescue, and my climb. But, before we finish up our conversation, I think it is important that we glance back to know how to move forward. I say glance, because a glance is a quick look, rather than a deep stare, focusing on the past. I do not think it does anyone any good to live in the past, but we do need to look to the past, learn the lessons that seasons taught us, and move forward. Move forward.

This season..this fall, valley, and climb has taught me some pretty big life lessons. Lessons that shape how I view the world now..and hopefully how I continue to view the world as I grow in years.

Lesson 1: It is sometimes necessary to fall, to break, to crumble.

As I sit here with you, I am filled with gratitude for this journey. I know that sounds counter-cultural. But, genuinely, I am really grateful to have been brought so low because it was in this experience that I was able to rebuild and realign who I am and what I value.

Lysa TerKeurst writes about this breaking in her book It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way She speaks of how when we are shattered from big moments like this, we turn to dust.

What if, this time, God desires to make something completely brand-new? Right now. On this side of eternity. No matter how shattered our circumstances may seem. Dust is the exact ingredient God loves to use.

We can see dust as a result of an unfair breaking. Or we can see dust as a crucial ingredient.

Dust doesn’t have to signify the end. Dust is often what must be present for the new to begin.

And that’s one of the most devastating realities of dust times in our lives. We need the world to stop spinning for a while. We need things to pause. We need the celebrations to cease long enough to work through our grief.

Lysa TerKeurst, It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way, chapter 2, Dust

I am totally okay with the fact that I was broken down to to dust to be restored into something new. My life, the path I was on, was not healthy. I had gotten off from the path that was designed for me. I needed a massive crumbling to be restored.

Sweet friend..if you feel everything around you crumbling…let it fall. Let it break. Stop trying to glue it back together. Rather, let it shatter so that it can be created into something brand new. Let it break and then rebuild.

Lesson 2: Suffering can show you your strength.

I was feeling so weak, so broken, so lost. When asked to use words to describe myself in therapy, a cycle of self-deprecating words circled around my head. I could not think of one kind word to describe myself. But now, on the other side of the valley, having fought through the climb, I have been shown just how strong I can be. How fierce I can be. I needed to be reminded that I can fight for better. I had to lean heavily on God for strength when I was far too weak to help myself. With each success, each small win, I gained momentum to know that I could do things.

You can do things too. You are strong. And if you aren’t feeling that strength, then yoke on to someone else’s strength until you can start to feel your wins. Search for your wins. Build the momentum. See how incredibly resilient you are.

I have lived and overcome something that was debilitating to me. Now, when faced with challenges, I am reminded of what I have done and how far I have come. Then this new challenge is not as challenging anymore. I was once crushed but I am okay now. When another valley comes, which it will, I will remember this time and remind myself of the strength I had to get through this. I will be better equipped to handle the next climb. My struggle happened before the pandemic hit. So, when the pandemic hit, my heart was ready for it. We could do this. This wasn’t my hardest season…but my hardest season had prepared me for this hard season.

You glance back. Remember the strength. You keep going. You keep moving.

Lesson 3: Boundaries are good.

Lisa Whittle speaks about “Holiness Over Freedom” in her book, Jesus Over Everything. She states,

That just because we can do something doesn’t mean we should.

We can do a lot of things. Our freedom will allow it. But at the end of the day, it will take our life from under it.

Consider your holiness-versus freedom issue, even now. If you know somewhere deep down inside that something is coming between you and God, in any season, do you pursue getting rid of it, or do you justify keeping it for as long as possible?

Lisa Whittle, Jesus Over Everything, Chapter 4, Holiness Over Freedom

Boundaries and saying no to things you have the ability to do, is hard. Setting firm lines on what is good for you and what is not is hard. However, once the line is drawn, knowing this is not serving me, helps make all the other decisions much easier.

I do not drink. I can drink. But, I know that it clouds my judgement and I do not like who I am when I drink. I know that I most likely will not just have one drink if I have a drink. Therefore, I have chosen that my tight line is no drinks for me. Since I made this clear boundary for me and those close to me know this line, decisions are easy. I can go places and I do not wrestle with “should I?” The decision is already made.

These boundaries help me to be the most peaceful me. I used to think that denying myself something was punishing myself, but now I see them as ways of protecting myself and also loving myself. This is freedom.

Lesson 4: Everyone is struggling with something.

Everyone has a struggle. Life is hard and no one gets through without having to tackle some deep valleys. While some have very visible struggles, many struggles occur behind the scenes or in their hearts. If you know that everyone is struggling than it helps you set your heart to have a posture of love and grace for them.

We do not need to know, or have really a right to know, what that person’s story is.

If they chose to share their story, cherish that privilege, and respect their vulnerability.

Respond with love.

But, most likely, we do not know everyone’s story. Yet still, we need to strive to respond with love. I know I fall short on this often, but I am really trying to respond with love. See people first as people, not their title or their duty or their shortcomings, but as a person. Show love, grace, and kindness because being a person is hard.

Lesson 5: You have to show up for the lesson.

Life is going to take you to some hard places and each one will teach you something, grow you in some way. But, you have to show up for the lesson. You are going to go through the hardship either way, so please do not let it be in vain. Let it teach you what it is meant to teach you. Let it grow you so that you are prepared for whatever season is coming next. Pay attention. Feel the feels. Learn the lessons.

Lesson 6: new mountains…new valleys.. and God is greater than it all

This is where I am today. On this side of the valley. I would not say that I have conquered this mountain because, well, I think it would be naive to think that one can conquer a mountain such as this. However, I am comfortable with where I am in the climb.

Life is a series mountain ranges….peaks and valleys…climbs…rest…growth..sorrow and joy. To think this is the only hard thing I will face is naive. Life just is not like that. But, I will use this story to help me fight through the next one. I will use this story to teach our children about perseverance and struggles, as they will have them too. I will use this experience to be a reminder of how big God is and how He is so much greater than the highs or the lows.

And incase I forget that God is so much bigger than the mountains and the valleys, I have it as a permanent reminder on my body. At age 36, I got my first tattoo, pointing directly to God with my hands open to the path He has me on.

Author’s Note:

If you are struggling with alcohol addiction or abuse, I urge you to find your people to help you.

If you are walking beside someone with alcohol addiction, I urge you to walk with love, truth, and grace. The person you love has already filled themselves with enough judgement and self-deprecation, that they do not need to hear any additional hurts. Be their strength while they find theirs. Be their advocate.

Resources that I love:

  • Jesus Over Everything by Lisa Whittle
  • It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way by Lysa TerKeurst
  • Get Out of Your Head by Jennie Allen

To check out the whole series follow Sobriety Part 1: What is sobriety?, Sobriety Part 2: the fall, Sobriety Part 3: the valley & the rescue, Sobriety Part 4: the climb.

Sobriety Part 3: the valley & the rescue

~ Ashley Lindner ~ 4 Comments

It is a real bummer to know a problem but to not be able to fix it. Sometimes I wonder if it is better to not know that something is wrong because when you know and you cannot fix it…you feel defeated. again and again. on repeat.

Maybe you have never experienced this, but maybe you have and you know the pain of knowing something is broken and you can’t fix it. Now layer on knowing that you are the problem and you can’t fix yourself. Heavy. Each time it happens, whatever the it may be, the regret, the guilt, the shame just all piles on.

For me, this was months upon months of knowing I had a drinking issue, but not being able to get control of the drinking issue. It started with a very close friend taking me out to lunch and sharing her concerns. She did this layered in love and grace. I knew it was an issue but it was something that I had not said out loud yet. I was not ready. I brushed it off as though I could handle just having two drinks at gatherings…but that led to me creating elaborate math equations of how many drinks I could have verses the time I was spending verses what type of drink it was. Which all went away once I had a drink and my ability to make good choices weakened. Now I just felt embarrassed around this friend and tried to justify everything I was doing, or worse yet, I started sneaking my drinks around them.

Then it was the doctor appointment for my depression where they also ask you if you do drugs, which I proudly stated no…smoke, another no…alcohol…oh wait, say what? That humbled me immediately. Then the questions went on to ask how much and how often. Let me think of how small one can be. All that false righteousness immediately fled me.

I started therapy to work on my depression and also to admit that drinking is an issue for me. This was also humbling…but then freeing. I said it. It was in the world now. But, I am a grown adult and really got caught up in this idea that I might be a grown adult who cannot have alcohol, at all. My internal dialogue went something like, “I am a grown adult. If I want a beer I should be able to have a beer.” However, later I realized that I was forgetting the next piece of the sentence, “if it is only one beer.” I wrestled this for months. Months. So many therapy sessions trying to wrestle whether I could be a person who could drink or not. Trying to balance how I could drink in moderation and each time I failed, I felt worse than the time before.

The regret piled up.

The guilt layered on.

The shame covered me.

I would sit at church, which we had been regularly attending for a few years at this point and hear messages, covered in grace, and feel like a fraud because I knew I was doing something that was not honorable, respectful, life-giving. I knew I was making self-destructive choices each day.

I kept trying. I started to sit with my Bible on my front porch and I would write…crying out to God to help me.

April 28, 2019

Lord,

Thank you for your love, your grace, your patience for the millions of times I let you down. I know you worked in me to keep my words honorable this week, please continue to do this in me and make me stronger Lord. Help me to gain more self control in all areas of my life to better honor you and support and love my family.

I’ll try to be honoring, leaning and walking with you this week.

Amen

and the patterns continued… shame, piled onto regret, piled onto guilt.

May 19, 2019

Lord, I pray…

Help me to make chocies to honor you, to glorify you.

Help me to teach our children about your love and grace.

Give me the strength to make choices to show your love and grace, Lord.

I have fallen so far…help me to grow and strengthen to honor your love and grace. I know I’ll get better, Lord because of your love and grace.

Thank you for your faithfulness and not giving up on me.

I know you will see me through this for your glory.

Thank you for placing Godly women and families in my life to walk beside me in growing my relationship with you.

Amen

I wanted to be able to drink appropriately but also to be able to keep drinking. I was not able to just give it up yet. I wanted to find a way to do both. I could not give my life over to this call I kept feeling to be done with it. That drinking had a hold on me and I was allowing it to run my life..not the other way around. I had not gotten there yet. This internal battle was dark and lonely. Isolating and full of self-hatred. Why couldn’t I be someone who has self-control and is strong enough to live life balanced? I was terrified to give up what I thought was my control. I did not want to surrender.

and the patterns continued… shame, piled onto regret, piled onto guilt.

But then…after months in the valley….a rescue came.

I made one last bad choice and a friend spoke truth and grace to me. She heard me apologize. She listened. And…she told me there was better for me. She told me I am better than the choices I am making. She never once told me my actions were okay. Never once. But she told me she loves me, that God loves me, and that there is so much better for me.

And that day, I stopped drinking.

August 20, 2019

I’ve been praying for change and to get out of the hole I have been in for the past year and a half. I keep praying for grace and self-control, yet I keep falling short and hoping with prayer for a change… and dealing with my own demons of guilt each time I fail.

Yet today, I’ve been 3 days without a drink. At one time, that was nothing, but today that’s a celebration. We also hosted a party to celebrate a friend today and I didn’t have a drink. I notice I talk much less…I still miss conversation not because I am drinking but because one person cannot be everywhere. I also was done with the party before the party was over…and my dishes are done and counters are clean. So here I am, sober day 3, in the books.

Walking home today the stars were so bright. I stopped and thanked God for the beautiful world He created and for the gift of being sober enough to appreciate it.

So Lord, I pray you continue to allow me not to be tempted. Continue to show me my own strength, that is a gift from you and Lord, I pray you’ll help me to forgive myself for the past two years …. and that my babies are not forever ruined because of it.

Amen

I surrendered. I gave up trying to fight for this arbitrary thing that was destroying my life. Destroying everything designed for me. I decided to follow that call in my heart and see what the plan was for me. The following set of verses just echoed throughout my summer and finally, I resigned to not being able to do it myself. I wanted to live the life God had planned for me, not this destructive path I kept taking.

15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

Romans 7:15-18

Each day forward was a day forward. But that is the climb out of the valley. We will get there. But, finally, my rescue had come. And it came when this song below just hitting the radio…and I felt like it was speaking directly to me..as though God gave her the words just for me to hear.

So many tears brought forth by the lyrics.

Every single word right to my heart.

and this is when our children started seeing me fall madly in love with Jesus…for He rescued me.

But here is the thing friend, maybe the idea of Jesus is not your thing. I can get that. I can understand that. In my story, Jesus totally saved me. But, in your story, that may not be what you are open to hearing, feeling, going to. And that is okay right now. If you have made it this far, sitting by my side, cuddled up cozy and sharing our stories together, I would tell you that the first thing you need to do, is find the people and the place in your life that support you with being sober. Where do you feel safe? What is holding you back from trying to go without drinking? Write a pro and con list. Make a decision to get into therapy, see a doctor, tell a friend, tell your spouse. Take an action forward, because sweet friend, your life is so much better than this.

To check out the rest of the series follow, Sobriety Part 1: What is sobriety?, Sobriety Part 2: the fall, Sobriety Part 4: the climb and Sobriety Part 5: glancing back to walk forward.

For more like this, check out Mountains and Valleys and “This is why I drink.” and Surrendered.

Sobriety Part 2: the fall

~ Ashley Lindner ~ 4 Comments

To tell any story, I guess we should start at the beginning. I am sure there are a lot of people reading this wondering, what happened?! See, I do a half-decent job of covering things up because I am an Ennegram 3 and care far too much about appearances and how people see me. So, I did the things needed to play the role of a middle-class, thirty something mother, wife & teacher, until I didn’t.

I suppose we should go back to 2015. I was pregnant with our third child and also in school to get my administration license. We thought doing both these things at the same time was a good idea. It was and I am grateful for it, but still, it was a lot. After the birth of our daughter in the dark days of November, I noticed that it was really hard for me to snap out of postpartum depression feelings. Mostly because you cannot snap out of postpartum depression. It does not work that way. But, I tried.

I also was invigorated by career opportunities that were coming my way with my administration license. These opportunities gave me the drive to keep going. I focused heavily on my career because I felt like I could do that. My emotions were spiraling but I could do this. I heaved ahead. And personally, I was able to lose the baby weight and seemed to feel like things were coming together. But they weren’t. I had just buried my emotions under piles of distraction.

The next school year I had an amazing opportunity to become a literacy coach. It was huge for me. Dream job. I dove full in. I had to travel away from my family, which is a big deal for a teacher and a mother of 3…with our baby less than a year old. But, I was in. I was in, in. I gave it all to this opportunity for a full school year. I was feeling good about everything and pushing through. I had distracted myself from any of the ick in my heart of postpartum feelings by only focusing on work.

and then it fell.

After a year of training, four weeks out of state away from my family, countless hours doing additional learning, countless days out of my classroom with a guest teacher…the position was pulled across my school district. Everything I had given myself to was gone.

along with it went my identity and my distraction.

Now, I think it is important to note here that now, a few years out from it, this is exactly what needed to happen. I am very happy in my classroom and love what I get to do. I am grateful for all the training I have had because it helps me in so many capacities within the classroom. And my family… I am so grateful for the lessons I learned about priorities and to shift the focus back to my family. I know that this situation had to happen for my heart to realign some priorities. But, at the time, it was devastating.

When everything was pulled, summer was just beginning. Summer meant no structure. Summer meant Summer Shandys. So, Summer Shandys I drank.

and drank.

and drank.

Fall came and I switched to Blue Moons.

and drank.

and drank.

Winter came and I continued with Blue Moons.

and drank.

and drank.

Summer came and I learned about White Claws.

and drank.

and drank.

All those feelings of postpartum that I had buried under my work? Well, they grew into full depression..also because it is hard to say it is postpartum when that newborn is now a year and a half old. Now I also got to add shame and regret for my misalignment with my priorities to the layers of negative emotions I had. Regret from all the time I wasted away from my family. How can one pretend there isn’t any depression?

drink.

drink.

drink.

That baby weight I lost? It came back and then some. Which also led to more depression especially with my history of being 23 years old. 300 lbs.

Heavy depression that was getting heavier each day.

Things started small with a drink because it was summer…then a drink because it was a less than great day…then a drink because it was a great day…then a drink because it was the weekend…then a drink because it was Tuesday.

And somewhere along the way… a drink turned into six.

I had fallen. Fallen hard. It was now 2018 and I was in the worst depression of my life. I have had two hard depressions and this one shook me the hardest because now I had a husband and children. It was not just about me anymore.

Should a career blow cause this much devastation? No. But, my heart was misaligned. I allowed that role in my life define me. This needed to be adjusted and it took this fall to show me that.

Should I rely only on myself to fix myself? No. But, I thought I could…until I clearly couldn’t and then I felt compounded shame that I was not strong enough to fix this myself.

Should this have happened? No. But, I am grateful it did. I’ll explain…

But for now, I had fallen.

Fallen hard.

Still one of my favorite glasses… but it has water in it these days.

To check out the rest of the series, follow Sobriety Part 1: What is sobriety?, Sobriety Part 3: the valley & the rescue, Sobriety Part 4: the climb, and Sobriety Part 5: glancing back to walk forward.

Sobriety Part 1: What is sobriety?

~ Ashley Lindner ~ 4 Comments

sobriety – noun. The state of being sober.

sober– adjective. 1a- sparing in the use of food and drink 1b- not addicted to intoxicating drink 1c- not drunk

2- marked by sedate or gravely or earnestly thoughtful character or demeanor

3- unhurried, calm

4- marked by temperance, moderation, or seriousness

5- showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice

Webster’s dictionary keeps it pretty simple when they explain what sobriety and sober is: not drinking to intoxication and not drunk. But, I think it goes much deeper than that. I can see on this side of sobriety the unhurriedness, the calmness, the thoughtful character, and the levelness that comes without the extreme qualities of emotion.

To me…sobriety is not just about not drinking. Drinking alcohol is what caused me to have clouded eyes. But, there are other things that cloud people’s eyes that might need to be adjusted. We think of drugs, gambling, and sex…you know, the “big ones.”” But what about the little things? Overeating…shopping…gossiping…social media slander…or other overindulgences that are clouding the way you see the world and stopping you from living the life that has been designed for you. When you “sober up” from any of these habits, addictions, or choices you can begin to the see the world in a much clearer way. Better? Not necessarily. But clear. And when you have a clear view in front of you, you can make choices to find the path out.

Everyone has their own unique story. I break out and share my story to bring light to the fact that you can have a drinking problem without being a raging alcoholic. I think our society has this idea that if you can get yourself to work, pay your bills, and provide basic levels of care to you family, you can’t have a drinking problem. But, that just is not true. In my story, I went to work each day and did the best I could there, giving it all to my career. I came home and took care of my family…but with a beer in hand…and then once my kids were in bed, I had a few more beers. On repeat. And when I wanted to stop the cycle, I just couldn’t. This is when it became apparent that this was a problem. This was my problem.

I did not go to rehab or get a DUI. I did not lose my job or my family. But…I hurt my family. I hurt my friends. I broke all faith I had in myself to be strong and do the hard things. I did not make the memories I hoped I would have made with my young children and shame overtook me.

Depression brought forth the drinking and the drinking kept the depression around. Cycles over and over again.

Here is the fine print as I open my heart to share with you one of the hardest things I will ever write… but also what I feel God calling me to write the most. I am not an expert in sobriety or addiction, but I have lived it. I share with you my story in hopes that my story will help bring healing to someone else in their story. I am also not writing from a place of condemnation to those who do drink. I truly believe that some humans can drink responsibly… I am just not that human. I write these words with the thought that if being served alcohol is no longer serving you, you may want to rethink your approach.

In the next few days, I will be diving deep into my heart and sharing pieces of my journals with you…as though we were sitting here in my living room together…peeling back the pain and the layers to walk together forward into the life that has been designed for us. I will share things that I have only shared with Jesus, in hopes that they will give light to others.

So please, snuggle into a chair and grab a cozy blanket. I will light my favorite scented candle and bring my journals along. I will pour us some coffee or tea. Maggie (our dog) will keep our spots warm. Together, I will share my story and hope to hear yours. It is time we have this hard conversation.

To keep reading, check out Sobriety Part 2: the fall, Sobriety Part 3: the valley & the rescue, Sobriety Part 4: the climb, and Sobriety Part 5: glancing back to walk forward.

In the meantime, you can read more like this here: Mountains and Valleys, Surrendered, pieces, throwing rocks & collecting rocks, let it leave its mark, and Suffer well.

throwing rocks & collecting rocks

~ Ashley Lindner ~ 1 Comment

I noticed something in myself recently. A heaviness. A hardening. Maybe you have felt this too.

This need to protect yourself from the criticism, the opinions, the angst that has been walking beside us for this season.

I felt like there were all these rocks flying at me.

In large conversations,

in subtle statements,

in words not said,

in actions,

in avoidance.

All these hard rocks just coming at me.

And I did not react in love like I should. Instead, I started collecting rocks with the thought process to throw rocks back.

This is challenging to admit, but it is truth. When I felt criticism or harshness I started to find faults in their choices, in their paths, in their lives. I started to compare and find ways to acknowledge the “at least I am not doing that” thought process. Ugly right? So ugly.

My faulty thinking and really, it was not intentional, but rather something I noticed after and realized I had been doing, was finding things to armour myself from anticipated criticism when I was feeling like everything was just getting too heavy.

I was collecting retaliation rocks.

But the thing about collecting rocks is, it just makes you even heavier. So much heavier. Think of your pockets and if they had actual rocks in them for each negative thought you had about someone else. Heavy upon heavy. It weighs you down.

Think about where we find rocks. They are always on the bottom. They layer the bottom of our lakes and oceans. If you carry too many rocks, you drown. The heaviness over takes you and you physically cannot overcome it. This is not how we were designed to walk.

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions-it is by grace you have been saved.

Ephesians 2: 4-5

We were designed to be merciful and full of grace. We were designed to be forgiving, because of how much we have been forgiven.

I have not been my kindest, most gracious self this season. I went into this weird survival and self-preservation mode. But at its root, we began to self-destroy because we allowed our hearts to get so hard. Did you do this too?

So then we enter the world with hard hearts and interact with other people who maybe aren’t at their best and also have a hardened heart… grace really struggles to show up there.

We know we are not our best selves and yet we expect everyone else to be their best. Solid reflection on that.

The only way we can stop this cycle of hardening and rock collecting is to stop picking up the rocks.

Stop taking the offenses. Stop taking notes. Stop planning your retaliation. And act in love.

Drop the rocks. Give grace. Love one another. Even in the hard spots. Especially in the hard spots.

After I dropped my own rocks, I noticed a lightness in myself. I noticed this freeness.

Some comments are just comments.

Some opinions are valid and worth reflection.

Some critiques will help me grow.

And some things, I just do not have to give any value to.

Drop the rocks.

Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold.

Matthew 24:12

Don’t let your love grow cold. Drop your rocks. Let them freeze. And open your heart to love one another.

It is hard to throw stones,

if your busy washing feet.

Luke Lezon

For today, I am going to love the mess.

~ Ashley Lindner ~ Leave a comment

This mess is ours.

This mess does not stop at our tree either. Typically this mess would give me quite a bit of actual anxiety and cause me to be rather nasty to everyone I love. But, for some reason, it is different this year.

It is December 27th. I walk through my home and I hear our girls playing together in one of their rooms. I see our son at our dining room table turned Lego central, building what must be his sixth Lego kit. My husband has been grinding our coffee beans and drinking several cups of hot coffee while building with our kids. I finally showered, since..ahem… Christmas Eve. We have really soaked in the days after Christmas to just be together and it has been amazing.

Anyone in the generation one step above mine, with kids grown or who have left the house, have made it clear that Christmases like this are for a very short season in life. Soon the sounds of screams on Christmas morning over the perfect toy, the wonder of how these toys got here, which toy to play with first, will be replaced by Christmas brunches with most of your kids, if you are lucky, as they start spending Christmas with their significant other’s family. Your trees will be perfect and orderly as no one will be touching them. The mess will be cleared as soon as it is made, if it is made. The wonder of it all fades away as your children age.

I am a bit… or rather a lot… particular about our house. If you have ever been to our home, I am particular about making sure things like the toilets are always clean (we can’t let anyone know that we actually poop), the counters are cleaned off, and things are in some order for use to live in an efficient manner. Also, quite honestly, I like when our house looks nice. There I said it. I care a lot about appearances and I want our home to be functional but mostly, look nice.

This makes me super fun to live with. Also, it is hard on my mind to keep up with it all. It exhausts me. So much. The guilt and the struggle, the frustration and the anger I have towards myself for not just letting things be, but also the genuine anxiety I get with clutter and mess. It is just a whole thing in my mind, that the people I love the most get to experience from the front row.

But, right now, things are different. We are on a pause from life and it feels so good. As a teacher married to a teacher, we worked right up until Christmas Eve, in what we can all describe as a very different year. Our family, as with many families have experienced a lot of tragedy this year, life just keeps taking some hits, and we have not had a moment to even process them. Everything just keeps coming at us and life keeps going but this week, right now, in the days between Christmas and New Years…we have no plans because you can’t have plans this year and we are just being here, with each other, in our joyful mess.

We aren’t rushing the moment along. We aren’t yelling at our kids to get their stuff together for school, in whichever learning model they are in. We aren’t meal planning or grocery shopping. We aren’t worried about the laundry because pajamas for tomorrow sounds really nice. We are playing. We are building. We are napping. We are being together.

We can’t do this forever. We will have to return to the world soon. But for right now, I am going to soak in the mess. This is the most rested I have felt in a very long time. The most calm I have felt. The most present. The most loving. We are giving our family this time to just be and to enjoy one another.

I am grateful for the women ahead of me who have spoken such truth into me about enjoying the right now, as the season is fleeting. These women remind me about the loneliness of a clean family space. The heartbreak of sharing your children with another family. The sorrow that comes with the great joy of raising your children to be adults with their own lives.

Therefore, right now, we will enjoy our mess.

We also ran out of trash bags, so that has been a real hangup on the whole cleaning up thing. The tree is raining needles, making it painful to walk by it, and the trash is really piling up outside. We will have to pick up tomorrow so that we can continue to play but have the space to do it well. And…the mess is starting to get to my husband. Maybe he has more of my mind then we thought.

But right now, I am going to soak it all in.

pieces.

~ Ashley Lindner ~ 3 Comments

we are all made of many pieces in one really messy puzzle

vulnerability and authenticity

These are two traits that I have come to realize are extremely valuable to me.

What you see of me is who I am, in all settings. However, they are just pieces of me.

The smiling family photo.

The piles of laundry in the corner of our bedroom.

The row of degrees that fill the top of my resume.

The deep need for naps on weekends.

The methodical lesson planning.

The unkind word spew when I am tired.

The loud, energetic story teller.

The withdrawn wallflower.

The put together, trendy, and with wedged boots.

The unshowered, messy bun, have I brushed my teeth yet today?

The crying.

The smiling.

The one who is pushing through.

The one who has surrendered.

The Christian.

The human mess.

These are all true of me. Every single time.

I bet some of these are true of you too, but I also know you have other pieces.

I am not faking it. Those smiles you see are real, but so are the tears and the push through. The calm is followed by the chaos. I am all these things and each time you see a piece of it, do not think that there is not more to it.

We have a saying in my circle, “layered onion.” We are all layered onions. There is so much more there than what is first seen and it does not mean that we are hiding anything or building walls, but sometimes, you are seeing a piece. An authentic and often very vulnerable piece.

But we are all much more than one simple piece.

I have come to the understanding that being known and deeply understood is really important to me. I love deep relationships and really struggle with small talk. I love when I have the opportunity to know someone’s heart and to share my heart with them. I take it as such a gift when people lower their walls and let me in. I know that this is a huge privilege as many of us walk around with fortresses covering anything beyond weather conversations. But, we were made to know each other on much more profound levels and to be deeply known.

The only way to be deeply known and deeply loved is by letting people see the pieces. That takes a lot of courage. Vulnerability comes easy to me but I completely recognize that it is not the same for everyone. However, offer a piece.

And on the other side, when you see a piece of someone, also remember it is only a piece. We have areas where we really rock it and also areas where we completely sink. Do not allow yourself to be fooled into thinking others are hitting levels you think are not possible for yourself because of the pieces you see. When you see that person doing amazing in one area of their life, celebrate and honor that, but also remember that they probably have areas where they are really struggling. Remember, pieces and layered onions. These people who are straight up slaying it in some areas might be fighting really hard to do so and need your encouragement and still need your love because they are probably fighting some hard mental things to gain that one win.

I know this because I am this. But, I also know this is true for everyone because I have been a human long enough to know that everyone has a struggle. Allow me to share a few of my pieces to help paint the picture of how messy our puzzle pieces are:

  • I am currently mentally stronger than I have been in years but life is throwing a lot at our family, as with many of yours right now. I am still showing up at school and doing my best. I smile and encourage. I help facilitate professional development and I suppose, from the outside, I present a picture of someone who has their stuff together. I am genuine when I smile, encourage, and walk beside my peers in this unknown world of teaching in a pandemic. But also, I come home and am spent. I am quiet and withdrawn to recharge my batteries. I need weekend naps and rest. I have cut down how much I even build some of my other relationships right now because I am so worn down from trying to do something that is very new and ever changing at school, while also trying to focus on loving my spouse and our children well in a very hard season. Both these sides are very, very real and very true of me.
  • And if we take it back two years, I was coming off a huge opportunity to grow as an educator, having just done a ton of additional training out of state for a year, and was building my resume in huge ways at school, but also was privately struggling with the second largest depression of my life which lead to me having a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol, which in many ways stole a few years from me. Since then, I have grown significantly in realigning my values and have now been sober for over six months and fifteen months since my last bout with alcohol where I walked with a lot of shame. However, both of these sides are very, very real and very true of me.

We are more than our smiling faces. But, please do not dismiss the smiling face as a fake face. Rather, we can all try to see more and give grace for the more. We all have stories to tell, or to hold tight, but we all have stories. We all have pieces.

Please start sharing your pieces and please start seeing the pieces of others.

Encourage one another when they have great wins but also encourage them in the unseen sorrow.

Start looking at people as pieces and strive to help build the puzzle, one interaction at a time.

A bit more about how I got here:

I am currently thirty six years old. Yes, I did just have to stop and think about that because I have now become the age that you do not know your age immediately upon being asked. But, I am 36 years old and it has taken me 35 of these years to actually begin to know who I am and become comfortable in my own skin. I have come to this place after a series of lots of lows, some highs, lots of love, therapy, refection, Jesus, and time.

I am an 3 on the Enneagram. If you have not learned about the Enneagram yet, do it. It has opened up my eyes on how to love and accept myself and has also really helped me to love and accept the ones who I walk with. Threes are achievers. Threes often define themselves by their accomplishments. Threes struggle with feeling that they have value or are known without direct words affirming this. Threes also fear that they will be misunderstood. This is a wildly simplified explanation of a three and I am sure I will write heavily on this in the future. But, for today, to help you understand your heart and to understand the hearts of others, I really encourage you to take a deeper look at the Enneagram for yourself. But, some key things to note:

  • You cannot type someone else. This is about the motivations in your heart, not your behaviors.
  • While the tests are helpful, you do need to look deeper into each type and be really honest with yourself to help see which type best fits you.
  • You are not just a number. You can identify closely with the type, but let us also remember we are also individuals.
  • Do not weaponize the Enneagram to bring others down by being whatever type they identify with, but rather allow this tool to help you to understand people who see the world different than you.
  • This is not an excuse to keep doing the thing you do because of the type you identify with, but rather gives you the opportunity to see why you do something and help you to grow to see how to do it in a healthy way. (Example: I try to get my value and self-worth from my accomplishments. I did not realize I did this until I studied the Enneagram. Now, I try really hard to remember my self-worth does not come from what I accomplish and to be okay with who I am just based on whose I am. This is an ongoing struggle for me.)
  • This is not a “Christian thing” but rather a tool for anyone. It has become very popular in Christian culture because it allows you to see yourself for how you were designed and also allows you to lean into the grace of the gospel for all that you can grow in.

To read more like this, check out Mountains and Valleys, “This is why I drink.”, and Surrendered.

Can we all view the same season in a different way and still love?

~ Ashley Lindner ~ 1 Comment

We are all in a season right now.

Collectively we are facing some serious ick that we have not faced before.

Pandemic. Social unrest. Election year. Etc.

and then social media sparking opinions on it all and turning people against one another.

It is a hotbed of straight up mess.

Our world has experienced social unrest before. Our world has experienced a pandemic before. And our world experiences a presidential election every four years. However, this looks so much different now because

1- it is all happening at the same time

2-social media gives us all a chance to share our opinion loudly without having to see the hearts of those we are sharing with

We have somehow forgotten that we are in this together. Collectively. We are turning on one another, rather than walking forward towards unity in love. Yes, we will have different opinions, which is the most amazing thing about perspective. However, we need to be listening with our hearts first and moving towards unity, laced in love, in order to move us to a positive place of change.

No matter where you stand on any of the issues occuring in our society right now and really, everyone has a stance, I think we can collectively say that right now is a bummer. It is hard.

All of a sudden you realize that people you deeply love think different than you. That is not the hard part. This is where growth happens if we open our ears and our hearts, before our mouths.

But… sometimes you also realize that people you deeply love think different than you and are not accepting of how you think.

Or worse yet, people you deeply love think different than you and you are not accepting of how they think. Ouch.

We cannot change how others act or how they perceive us. But we can change how we act and how we perceive others. We can choose to put on love and layer our hearts with grace in order to still see and hear the person we love and to see their view.

I am not saying that we cannot have our own opinions. We need to. What are our values and how can we walk in them? However, I think the way in which we share our opinions can be done in a way that works towards unity, rather than division.

We all know the problems right now.

No. We do not. I do not know your perspective. I only know my own. So sit with me and share your perspective with me. I learned through a previous struggle that it is really hard to dislike someone once you’ve sat down and had a cup of coffee with them. I think there is a lot of truth to this. It doesn’t mean I will have their same opinion, but I can see their perspective.

But, we need to sit with each other and have two sided conversations in order to truly hear the perspective of others. Social media allows for only one sided conversations, often spewing one view, without allowing for reflective dialogue between the person sharing and those receiving the view on their newsfeed. I encourage us all, myself included, to have the hard conversations with those we love, rather than using social media to passive aggressively share our thoughts without allowing for dialogue. This is a huge challenge for me, as I despise conflict <insert all the yucky feelings> but I am learning we will not grow unless we lean into the hard stuff. So, I will try to lean in.

We need to work actively to not allow this season to divide us. On the otherside of this ick, we are going to need our people to get us through whatever ick comes next. There will be more ick. That is just how life goes.

How can we use this current season to draw us closer?

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts. And be thankful.

– Colossians 3:12-15






I think this is when I must share my email address incase you would like to take this current one sided conversation into a two sided one: ashleyelindner@gmail.com 

			

	


				
					


	

			
I find some of my biggest truths in the baby food aisle at Target.
		

				

						 ~ Ashley Lindner			 ~ 13 Comments					

				

		
formula


It happened again. I spent way too much time in the Target baby food aisle trying to decide what to feed my little man and fighting the judgement I felt from myself.


The Target baby food aisle and I have a long history. We began our relationship when my two and a half year old baby girl was just 6 weeks old. You see, I had plans. I was going to nurse her until she was at least a year. I did not understand why people would make the choice to not breastfeed. I mean, it is best for babies, great for moms, convenient, cost-effective, and natural. If you couldn’t nurse, it was simply because you did not have enough resources to get you through it.


And then I had our sweet girl and all my plans went out the door, along with my ego, my perceptions on being a mom, and my preconceived notions on what makes a good parent. 


Let me apologize now to all the parents that I wrongly judged before I became one myself. I am so sorry. I had no right to think the things I thought or to have said the things I said. Life handed me a big plate of crow and it has changed me.


Despite my best efforts and I do mean best, tried everything and anything efforts, I do not produce enough nutrients to help my babies grow through nursing. My little lady was starving by the time she hit 6 weeks. Growing mere fractions of ounces when she should have been gaining pounds by then.


Break my heart. Knock me down. Feel like a failure. Cry for months. 


Broken.




I tried even harder with my second, pulling out every stop and seeking out every resource. But it is my reality.


Two and a half years ago I had to walk down that baby food aisle and buy our daughter formula. You know, the devil’s juice as some mom boards might have you think. The formula can even says “Breast milk is best for babies.” Really?!?! Really formula can?!?! Even you are knocking me down and letting me know I am not doing what is best?! Well guess what formula can, I cannot give them my breast milk. They do not grow. They will starve to death if I do not give them what is not best. You, formula can, have become my best option.


Ehh, so I shameful buy the formula can, feeling judged because I had judged so many before me. There was that crow again that I have to eat each time I go down that aisle and to the check out or in public when I shake my formula into water for my child to eat.


I have made my peace with my inability to nurse, kind of, and have moved on, kind of.


Now, I am grappling with feeding my little man solids. We are in the stage where I am a really busy full-time working mom, who has 2 kids 2 and under, and still want what is best for my babes and have to balance between being the ideal mom who home-makes all the baby food or who just breaks down and buys some. I made all of our daughter’s. I took pride in being able to make her food, as I wasn’t able to nurse her. This I could do. Well, turns out she is a crummy eater. Her homemade food, with the variety of vegetables, fruits, spices, etc. had proved to have done nothing in the sense of making her a great eater. I planned to home-make all of our little man’s food too. But, this became a stressful thing, as it was another thing I needed to do in my limited time at home. I decided that I would remove this from my plate as there are other alternatives available, such as buying store bought baby food. See my post on re-priortitizing-and-re-structuring. 


On that last trip to the Target baby food aisle, I was there to buy baby food. The adorable, colorful, organic pouches sit on one side, while on the other side are the cost-effective, more traditional jars, which are now plastic containers. Total conundrum. Do I buy the ones that are adorable and organic and modern in their sleek pouch style? Or, do I buy the ones that look like they’ve been around since before I was born, they do only have natural ingredients, but are not in fun pouches (that I squeeze out into another container anyways), and cost literally less than half…..


There it came. The judgement again. I knew which was the better choice for our family. The cheaper ones. But, my son is my baby and all babies deserve the best… Isn’t the best the adorable, modern ones?! Internal struggle. I could buy the cheap ones to use at home but also buy the pouches to use when we are in public, so people won’t think I am less of a mom for settling with the basic baby food. A woman walks into the aisle and moves towards to organic, modern, adorable things and I put my head down in shame and then I think, really?! Really. How lame am I? The reason you feel as though this woman or anyone in public is judging you is because you once judged others like you. You have thought these thoughts of others and now you think everyone thinks this way. This woman probably doesn’t even notice you are here, or if so, you are probably just blocking her way, as you’ve been standing in this aisle having this struggle for the past 10 minutes. This is ridiculous. Get over yourself and just get your baby some dang food.


So, I fill my cart with 20 of those cheaper, non-organic, non-modern, non-adorable, baby food containers, and scolded myself for being that person that I cannot stand. The one who is so worried with what other people think that they cannot even make a simple decision.


Those trips down that Target baby food aisle are not a pretty walk for me. They reveal some of my biggest truths.


Truth- I failed at breastfeeding. In all the traditional ways, I failed at it. I get that we can sugar-coat it, but the reality is I am a part of the statistic of women who cannot nurse. I know that I am not a failure as a mom and that I tried my best, etc. etc. but I have to buy formula. We have a natural disaster and run out of formula, I am screwed. <insert irrational anxiety> I cannot breastfeed my children. They will not grow. There it is. Truth stated.


Truth- I really have not found peace with not being able to nurse and it is something I am going to grapple with for a while. However, I do know that this is a small setback in life’s plans and that it is something that we can easily overcome, by buying formula. I am grateful for our newborn “crisis” being relatively, practically nothing compared to what some families go through. I know it could have been something so much bigger, scarier, harder.


Truth- Things rarely work out as planned. However, they do work out. I have to find peace with this and rely on my faith to know that there is purpose and that it will be okay, just not necessarily in the way I had envisioned.


Truth- All parents want what is best for their children. However, what is best is not the same for everyone. I found what was best for my children. It doesn’t necessarily always fit what society or packaging or even well-intention people think it is.


Truth- I am judgmental. This is the hardest truth of all that I am hit with every time I walk down that baby food aisle.  This is not a trait that I like or that I am proud of. It is a trait I am working very hard at changing. My experience with nursing has taught me so much about this and I have become much less judgmental because of it. If going through this experience made me realize how judgmental I was and helped me to see other perspectives more, then I am grateful for this experience. It has and will continue to help me grow.


So there it is. My battle in the baby food aisle. It seems so small but it really does stop me in my tracks. I think the biggest take away from it is, that no matter how you feed your baby, and there are plenty of options out there, you are feeding your baby. You are providing your little one with nutrients and love and helping them grow. It isn’t your breast, your bottle, your homemade food, your adorable pouches, your basic store-bought baby food, etc. that define you as a mother. 


Your role as a mother is defined by how you love them, support them, give them what they need, and find what is best for them and for your family, within your own abilities.