I can’t.

no more.

pandemic

political division

forest fires

drought

Afganistan

sex trafficing

church division

community turmoil

cancer

Haiti

and so on and so on.

The things that are happening around us are beyond overwhelming. The world as a whole is scary and dark and I just can’t take it on. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t turn on the news or engage with the destruction that we see happening all around us with the global world we live in. My heart and my head just cannot do it anymore.

It is not because I do not care. I care too much. I care to the point where it makes me physically ill and unable to do anything with the world right in front of me. Maybe you are feeling this too. This debilitating knowledge of hardship and suffering, but feeling so out of control and helpless that you just shut down.

I can’t keep doing that. You can’t keep doing that.

So what I can do is to make sure the people I love know how much I love them.

I spend far too many hours watching ridiculous horse dramas with our daughters.

I capture our children playing Lego and getting along.

I kiss that son of ours as often as he will let me.

I float in our pool and read a book.

I sit on our front porch and drink hot coffee.

I spend intentional time just being with my husband and strive to let him know why I love him each day.

I hug those I care about.

I kiss the tops of the heads of the children I have the privilege of seeing grow up.

I make a home that is comfortable and loving, to be a safe place to land when the world just seems too big.

I prepare for the upcoming school year and the opportunity to love and support another class of 1st graders.

I help our youngest get ready for her first day of kindergarten.

I give our dogs far too many treats and cuddle with them on the couch more than one should.

I listen to the crickets in the evening.

I pray. I pray a lot.

I do everything I can do to soak in all the good that is in the world and fill up with so much love that I can walk into the world, outside the safety of our home, and love others. Love others hard and love them well.

Love those who disagree with me.

Love those who are different than me.

Love those who are struggling to love.

Love those who are easy to love and those who need some grace. <we all need grace>

I cannot fix all the things that are broken in this world. I do not think we were designed to take on all the things that are broken in the global world. It is just not physically possible. However, I do think we are supposed to be the good in the communities that we are in. To love one another, support one another, give grace to one another, and to encourage one another.

If we all love in our own circles… our families, our workplaces, our churches, our communities, even our social media communities…then that love has to ripple out to the global world. But it has to start here, in your own heart, with what we can handle. We can’t handle it all.

Or atleast, I can’t.

Staying Grounded in the Season

Last year, at 36 years old, I got my first tattoo…quickly followed by second tattoo. I wrote about it here: Mountains and Valleys. I started thinking more about metaphors, symbols, and also I had learned about about leaning into the pain and leaning into the season.

After a series of many dark years, I learned that I am someone who likes to push forward or avoid my current situation in an effort to finding more pleasant experiences. I think that is rather typical for human nature: avoid pain, seek comfort. But, all this hiding from pain, or dreaming about the next thing, left me missing out on the current thing, even if the current thing is pain.

Through my heartache of depression and alcohol addiction, I learned that that by hiding from pain or suffering, you are not escaping it. Eventually, when you come out of the hiding space, it is still there, and oftentimes in a much more layered pile. Ugh.

Eventually I had to face it all.

Eventually I had to be present.

Eventually I had to learn the beauty and the growth that comes in the suffering and in the still.

There is beauty in all the seasons.

Life is a series of seasons.

A series of growth, abundance, death, rest.

A cycle of new beginnings, flourish, harvest, and still.

It is so fiercely rhythmic that it cannot be denied there is a gloriousness in the way our days unfold over time.

But still, we often forget about the roots in each of these seasons. The roots that spread, give life, and hold us up strong. Our roots do not disappear in the dark days. The growth does not cease, it is just not visible from the surface. Roots are essential to growth and to life.

It is so challenging to the human design to stay planted in our current season. We keep wanting to move ahead, or at least this is how I am wired. So, last year, with my new tattoos on my arms, I was paddling with my husband, sitting on the paddle board because the wind and the current had taken me a bit downstream, and I mentioned to him that I want to stay grounded in my current season. If it is good or bad, challenging or easy, I need to stay grounded in it because there is a lesson to be learned in it, plus life has taught me that the season will change. We have to show up for the lesson and suffer well.

I began drawing this preliminary series of four lines and a flower in all the stages of seasons, being sure to always have a root present. I have drawn this several times, always with the understanding that I am not an artist, but this is what I want and I want it on my foot as a reminder to stay grounded in my season. Keep my foot planted in the season. Stop moving.

Let us pause and give credit to my tattoo artist who turned this drawing into what you actually see on my foot. Thank goodness for that.

Fast forward to this April, I got that tattoo.

And…since I am all about balance, I got a tattoo on the other foot too. I got an arrow. I had been thinking about this idea for a bit, but nothing as deep as my seasons, or my mountains and valleys, or my garden… but a simple arrow that reminds me that sometimes in order to propel forward, you have to pull back.

There is a story in everything. Each season teaches us so much. Share your stories too.

Plus, for anyone keeping count, yes, I have gotten 4 tattoos in 9 months.

I have never denied having an addictive personality.

To read more like this, check out Sobriety Part 1: What is sobriety?, Sobriety Part 2: the fall, Sobriety Part 3: the valley & the rescue, Sobriety Part 4: the climb, Sobriety Part 5: glancing back to walk forward, Suffer well, Showing up for the lesson.

Sobriety Part 5: glancing back to walk forward

Thank you for sitting with me and hearing my story. I am so grateful to have shared the darkness of my journey and put it in the light. None of this is easy, but as we’ve learned, the easy stuff doesn’t help us grow.

We have walked through my fall, the valley and the rescue, and my climb. But, before we finish up our conversation, I think it is important that we glance back to know how to move forward. I say glance, because a glance is a quick look, rather than a deep stare, focusing on the past. I do not think it does anyone any good to live in the past, but we do need to look to the past, learn the lessons that seasons taught us, and move forward. Move forward.

This season..this fall, valley, and climb has taught me some pretty big life lessons. Lessons that shape how I view the world now..and hopefully how I continue to view the world as I grow in years.

Lesson 1: It is sometimes necessary to fall, to break, to crumble.

As I sit here with you, I am filled with gratitude for this journey. I know that sounds counter-cultural. But, genuinely, I am really grateful to have been brought so low because it was in this experience that I was able to rebuild and realign who I am and what I value.

Lysa TerKeurst writes about this breaking in her book It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way She speaks of how when we are shattered from big moments like this, we turn to dust.

What if, this time, God desires to make something completely brand-new? Right now. On this side of eternity. No matter how shattered our circumstances may seem. Dust is the exact ingredient God loves to use.

We can see dust as a result of an unfair breaking. Or we can see dust as a crucial ingredient.

Dust doesn’t have to signify the end. Dust is often what must be present for the new to begin.

And that’s one of the most devastating realities of dust times in our lives. We need the world to stop spinning for a while. We need things to pause. We need the celebrations to cease long enough to work through our grief.

Lysa TerKeurst, It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way, chapter 2, Dust

I am totally okay with the fact that I was broken down to to dust to be restored into something new. My life, the path I was on, was not healthy. I had gotten off from the path that was designed for me. I needed a massive crumbling to be restored.

Sweet friend..if you feel everything around you crumbling…let it fall. Let it break. Stop trying to glue it back together. Rather, let it shatter so that it can be created into something brand new. Let it break and then rebuild.

Lesson 2: Suffering can show you your strength.

I was feeling so weak, so broken, so lost. When asked to use words to describe myself in therapy, a cycle of self-deprecating words circled around my head. I could not think of one kind word to describe myself. But now, on the other side of the valley, having fought through the climb, I have been shown just how strong I can be. How fierce I can be. I needed to be reminded that I can fight for better. I had to lean heavily on God for strength when I was far too weak to help myself. With each success, each small win, I gained momentum to know that I could do things.

You can do things too. You are strong. And if you aren’t feeling that strength, then yoke on to someone else’s strength until you can start to feel your wins. Search for your wins. Build the momentum. See how incredibly resilient you are.

I have lived and overcome something that was debilitating to me. Now, when faced with challenges, I am reminded of what I have done and how far I have come. Then this new challenge is not as challenging anymore. I was once crushed but I am okay now. When another valley comes, which it will, I will remember this time and remind myself of the strength I had to get through this. I will be better equipped to handle the next climb. My struggle happened before the pandemic hit. So, when the pandemic hit, my heart was ready for it. We could do this. This wasn’t my hardest season…but my hardest season had prepared me for this hard season.

You glance back. Remember the strength. You keep going. You keep moving.

Lesson 3: Boundaries are good.

Lisa Whittle speaks about “Holiness Over Freedom” in her book, Jesus Over Everything. She states,

That just because we can do something doesn’t mean we should.

We can do a lot of things. Our freedom will allow it. But at the end of the day, it will take our life from under it.

Consider your holiness-versus freedom issue, even now. If you know somewhere deep down inside that something is coming between you and God, in any season, do you pursue getting rid of it, or do you justify keeping it for as long as possible?

Lisa Whittle, Jesus Over Everything, Chapter 4, Holiness Over Freedom

Boundaries and saying no to things you have the ability to do, is hard. Setting firm lines on what is good for you and what is not is hard. However, once the line is drawn, knowing this is not serving me, helps make all the other decisions much easier.

I do not drink. I can drink. But, I know that it clouds my judgement and I do not like who I am when I drink. I know that I most likely will not just have one drink if I have a drink. Therefore, I have chosen that my tight line is no drinks for me. Since I made this clear boundary for me and those close to me know this line, decisions are easy. I can go places and I do not wrestle with “should I?” The decision is already made.

These boundaries help me to be the most peaceful me. I used to think that denying myself something was punishing myself, but now I see them as ways of protecting myself and also loving myself. This is freedom.

Lesson 4: Everyone is struggling with something.

Everyone has a struggle. Life is hard and no one gets through without having to tackle some deep valleys. While some have very visible struggles, many struggles occur behind the scenes or in their hearts. If you know that everyone is struggling than it helps you set your heart to have a posture of love and grace for them.

We do not need to know, or have really a right to know, what that person’s story is.

If they chose to share their story, cherish that privilege, and respect their vulnerability.

Respond with love.

But, most likely, we do not know everyone’s story. Yet still, we need to strive to respond with love. I know I fall short on this often, but I am really trying to respond with love. See people first as people, not their title or their duty or their shortcomings, but as a person. Show love, grace, and kindness because being a person is hard.

Lesson 5: You have to show up for the lesson.

Life is going to take you to some hard places and each one will teach you something, grow you in some way. But, you have to show up for the lesson. You are going to go through the hardship either way, so please do not let it be in vain. Let it teach you what it is meant to teach you. Let it grow you so that you are prepared for whatever season is coming next. Pay attention. Feel the feels. Learn the lessons.

Lesson 6: new mountains…new valleys.. and God is greater than it all

This is where I am today. On this side of the valley. I would not say that I have conquered this mountain because, well, I think it would be naive to think that one can conquer a mountain such as this. However, I am comfortable with where I am in the climb.

Life is a series mountain ranges….peaks and valleys…climbs…rest…growth..sorrow and joy. To think this is the only hard thing I will face is naive. Life just is not like that. But, I will use this story to help me fight through the next one. I will use this story to teach our children about perseverance and struggles, as they will have them too. I will use this experience to be a reminder of how big God is and how He is so much greater than the highs or the lows.

And incase I forget that God is so much bigger than the mountains and the valleys, I have it as a permanent reminder on my body. At age 36, I got my first tattoo, pointing directly to God with my hands open to the path He has me on.

Author’s Note:

If you are struggling with alcohol addiction or abuse, I urge you to find your people to help you.

If you are walking beside someone with alcohol addiction, I urge you to walk with love, truth, and grace. The person you love has already filled themselves with enough judgement and self-deprecation, that they do not need to hear any additional hurts. Be their strength while they find theirs. Be their advocate.

Resources that I love:

  • Jesus Over Everything by Lisa Whittle
  • It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way by Lysa TerKeurst
  • Get Out of Your Head by Jennie Allen

To check out the whole series follow Sobriety Part 1: What is sobriety?, Sobriety Part 2: the fall, Sobriety Part 3: the valley & the rescue, Sobriety Part 4: the climb.

Sobriety Part 4: the climb

The climb. Have you ever been hiking and trying to get from the bottom to the top…and just know that at the top you are going to feel so elated that you did it, but getting there…oh getting there is hard. The difference between the valley and the climb is that now you are fighting for better. Fighting to climb out of the darkness and to the light. Fighting to conquering this dang mountain.

I wish I could tell you that after I made the decision to stop drinking that it was all easy. Each day was easy. But, that would not be true..and we are here to share the truth.

I went six months without a single drink. I fought for each day. I came up with this line that I still tell myself today:

I don’t know when I will have a drink again. But it is not today…and most likely, not tomorrow.

And then, I had a series of todays which led to six full months without a drink.

It is imperative that I pause here and say, friend…if you need more help than this to stop, seek it. My alcohol abuse was at the level where I was able to stop without detoxing or needing the additional support of rehab, but truly, had I continued on the path I was on, I fear that I would have need these additional supports. If you need the additional supports, seek them. There is no shame in admitting you need them. Share what is on your heart with someone you love and trust, but also someone who will not enable you to continue on the destructive path you are on. Someone who will fight for you, when you have stopped fighting for yourself.

In my story, I still had not come to piece with a label of what I am/was. Am I an alcoholic? Am I “just” abusing alcohol? Is this a forever thing or just something I needed to pause from? This internal battle and seeking to define who I was now was causing a lot of rocks in my climb. I spent hours processing this with my therapist trying to figure out what exactly this all is.

My therapist helped me to understand that there is a spectrum when it comes to alcohol abuse. One can be abusing alcohol in a way to numb whatever is going on in their life, in a way that is no longer healthy. This can lead to an addiction to alcohol and the numbing feeling you get drinking it. Along the way, if you do not rein in the habit, it leads to full alcoholism, which when left untreated, does cause for a detox and rehabilitation for healing. Either way, name it or not, when alcohol is doing more harm in your life than good, it is time to be done with alcohol.

We worked through that… in my case, we thought, I was someone who needed to just reset some boundaries and then I could try to drink responsibly again. So, in January, after six months without a drink, I had a drink. I handled it fine…but…the internal battle of, “Did I say something inappropriate?” or “Did I cross the line again?” or “How did I act?” would beat me up. It was exhausting to have this after recap payout in my head, especially when I knew I had only a few drinks and in full control.

Then in March, my husband and I started whole30 and on whole30, you cannot have alcohol. That was fine for us. It was a good line in the sand for me. But, then when we finished our 30 days, I had a few drinks again. It was now spring…in a pandemic…and a Summer Shandy at night sounded good.

But then it became a Summer Shandy each night. Only one or two, but I did not like where this was headed.

In my mind and I have cross checked this with my husband, I do not feel I had any situations in that spring that were like before…no blacking out…no falling down…no hurtful spew to others…no ick. But, I do know there was one occassion where I had more than my alloted few, but I did not wake up with regret. However, I did wake up and replay every. single. interaction to make sure I had not done something that was ick.

How exhausting to constantly be replaying all my actions.

During this time, I felt this pull to be done with it all, for good. Just be done with it. I did not like how I was feeling with the emotional recap..I did not like the gray of knowing do I drink, do I not drink. If I go out with friends, should I have one drink or should I just have water and explain this whole thing? It was all pulling at me.

I had also been more honest with those around me about what had been going on in my life for the years before. Unfortunately, some people dismissed what was happening to me as not a big deal and made me feel like I was seeking attention by sharing I had problems with alcohol. Oh friend, if this is happening to you, it is not true. Share when you are comfortable and you know your story. You know what you felt and what you went through. You want to get better and sharing helps hold you accountable and encouraged. So share with the people who will love and encourage you. Brush off the ones who are making you defend how bad your drinking was. They are not going to be the ones who walk beside you right now. But, one day, they will probably come beside you or even look to you for strength when they realize that maybe you were shining a little bit of light on a problem in their own lives.

God and I had gotten really close during this year. He and I met every morning at five to share an hour together. I read the whole Bible. I journaled so many journals. He knows me, as He always has, and now I knew Him. I also now knew to listen to Him. He has really amazing plans for all of us and I want to see it through.

May 19, 2020

Lord,

I know you’ve been pulling at me for a while for this. I’m nervous to write this because what if I fail? But, if I don’t commit it. to paper it won’t happen. So, because of grace, I am going to attempt.

This summer I’d like to try a sober summer. I’m nervous about failing but feel I have so much to gain. I don’t want to miss the memories or live in the regret I feel after drinking.

Lord, I’m asking for your strength to make this possible.

I think you’ve got incredible plans for my life and I do not want to miss it.

Here’s to the first day in a life of a few where I’ve not had a drink. I want the freedom that comes from this slope. I haven’t had any of the experiences I had last summer… and I would like to keep it that way.

“I don’t want to abuse your grace. God I need it every day. It’s the only thing that makes me ever really want to change.” *

There’s my last 2% Lord. But, you already knew that.

Amen

*Holy Water by We the Kingdom

This was eight months ago…yesterday. Sober summer came and went…then fall..now winter. I keep going. There is no angst in my head to replay what I might have said or did. There is no regret on what my kids might have seen me do. There are no pictures that I fear the world might see. There is only freedom. Legit freedom from the battle in my head.

Is life easy? No. life will not be easy. It just won’t. However, I have learned so much about strength and I have clear eyes to see navigate the hard. So many lessons that I want to share with you…

But for this moment, sweet friend who has sat beside me as I have laid this all out, lets just soak in the climb.

I do not know when I will have a drink again. But it is not today, and most likely not tomorrow.

Sobriety Part 3: the valley & the rescue

It is a real bummer to know a problem but to not be able to fix it. Sometimes I wonder if it is better to not know that something is wrong because when you know and you cannot fix it…you feel defeated. again and again. on repeat.

Maybe you have never experienced this, but maybe you have and you know the pain of knowing something is broken and you can’t fix it. Now layer on knowing that you are the problem and you can’t fix yourself. Heavy. Each time it happens, whatever the it may be, the regret, the guilt, the shame just all piles on.

For me, this was months upon months of knowing I had a drinking issue, but not being able to get control of the drinking issue. It started with a very close friend taking me out to lunch and sharing her concerns. She did this layered in love and grace. I knew it was an issue but it was something that I had not said out loud yet. I was not ready. I brushed it off as though I could handle just having two drinks at gatherings…but that led to me creating elaborate math equations of how many drinks I could have verses the time I was spending verses what type of drink it was. Which all went away once I had a drink and my ability to make good choices weakened. Now I just felt embarrassed around this friend and tried to justify everything I was doing, or worse yet, I started sneaking my drinks around them.

Then it was the doctor appointment for my depression where they also ask you if you do drugs, which I proudly stated no…smoke, another no…alcohol…oh wait, say what? That humbled me immediately. Then the questions went on to ask how much and how often. Let me think of how small one can be. All that false righteousness immediately fled me.

I started therapy to work on my depression and also to admit that drinking is an issue for me. This was also humbling…but then freeing. I said it. It was in the world now. But, I am a grown adult and really got caught up in this idea that I might be a grown adult who cannot have alcohol, at all. My internal dialogue went something like, “I am a grown adult. If I want a beer I should be able to have a beer.” However, later I realized that I was forgetting the next piece of the sentence, “if it is only one beer.” I wrestled this for months. Months. So many therapy sessions trying to wrestle whether I could be a person who could drink or not. Trying to balance how I could drink in moderation and each time I failed, I felt worse than the time before.

The regret piled up.

The guilt layered on.

The shame covered me.

I would sit at church, which we had been regularly attending for a few years at this point and hear messages, covered in grace, and feel like a fraud because I knew I was doing something that was not honorable, respectful, life-giving. I knew I was making self-destructive choices each day.

I kept trying. I started to sit with my Bible on my front porch and I would write…crying out to God to help me.

April 28, 2019

Lord,

Thank you for your love, your grace, your patience for the millions of times I let you down. I know you worked in me to keep my words honorable this week, please continue to do this in me and make me stronger Lord. Help me to gain more self control in all areas of my life to better honor you and support and love my family.

I’ll try to be honoring, leaning and walking with you this week.

Amen

and the patterns continued… shame, piled onto regret, piled onto guilt.

May 19, 2019

Lord, I pray…

Help me to make chocies to honor you, to glorify you.

Help me to teach our children about your love and grace.

Give me the strength to make choices to show your love and grace, Lord.

I have fallen so far…help me to grow and strengthen to honor your love and grace. I know I’ll get better, Lord because of your love and grace.

Thank you for your faithfulness and not giving up on me.

I know you will see me through this for your glory.

Thank you for placing Godly women and families in my life to walk beside me in growing my relationship with you.

Amen

I wanted to be able to drink appropriately but also to be able to keep drinking. I was not able to just give it up yet. I wanted to find a way to do both. I could not give my life over to this call I kept feeling to be done with it. That drinking had a hold on me and I was allowing it to run my life..not the other way around. I had not gotten there yet. This internal battle was dark and lonely. Isolating and full of self-hatred. Why couldn’t I be someone who has self-control and is strong enough to live life balanced? I was terrified to give up what I thought was my control. I did not want to surrender.

and the patterns continued… shame, piled onto regret, piled onto guilt.

But then…after months in the valley….a rescue came.

I made one last bad choice and a friend spoke truth and grace to me. She heard me apologize. She listened. And…she told me there was better for me. She told me I am better than the choices I am making. She never once told me my actions were okay. Never once. But she told me she loves me, that God loves me, and that there is so much better for me.

And that day, I stopped drinking.

August 20, 2019

I’ve been praying for change and to get out of the hole I have been in for the past year and a half. I keep praying for grace and self-control, yet I keep falling short and hoping with prayer for a change… and dealing with my own demons of guilt each time I fail.

Yet today, I’ve been 3 days without a drink. At one time, that was nothing, but today that’s a celebration. We also hosted a party to celebrate a friend today and I didn’t have a drink. I notice I talk much less…I still miss conversation not because I am drinking but because one person cannot be everywhere. I also was done with the party before the party was over…and my dishes are done and counters are clean. So here I am, sober day 3, in the books.

Walking home today the stars were so bright. I stopped and thanked God for the beautiful world He created and for the gift of being sober enough to appreciate it.

So Lord, I pray you continue to allow me not to be tempted. Continue to show me my own strength, that is a gift from you and Lord, I pray you’ll help me to forgive myself for the past two years …. and that my babies are not forever ruined because of it.

Amen

I surrendered. I gave up trying to fight for this arbitrary thing that was destroying my life. Destroying everything designed for me. I decided to follow that call in my heart and see what the plan was for me. The following set of verses just echoed throughout my summer and finally, I resigned to not being able to do it myself. I wanted to live the life God had planned for me, not this destructive path I kept taking.

15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

Romans 7:15-18

Each day forward was a day forward. But that is the climb out of the valley. We will get there. But, finally, my rescue had come. And it came when this song below just hitting the radio…and I felt like it was speaking directly to me..as though God gave her the words just for me to hear.

So many tears brought forth by the lyrics.

Every single word right to my heart.

and this is when our children started seeing me fall madly in love with Jesus…for He rescued me.

But here is the thing friend, maybe the idea of Jesus is not your thing. I can get that. I can understand that. In my story, Jesus totally saved me. But, in your story, that may not be what you are open to hearing, feeling, going to. And that is okay right now. If you have made it this far, sitting by my side, cuddled up cozy and sharing our stories together, I would tell you that the first thing you need to do, is find the people and the place in your life that support you with being sober. Where do you feel safe? What is holding you back from trying to go without drinking? Write a pro and con list. Make a decision to get into therapy, see a doctor, tell a friend, tell your spouse. Take an action forward, because sweet friend, your life is so much better than this.

To check out the rest of the series follow, Sobriety Part 1: What is sobriety?, Sobriety Part 2: the fall, Sobriety Part 4: the climb and Sobriety Part 5: glancing back to walk forward.

For more like this, check out Mountains and Valleys and “This is why I drink.” and Surrendered.

A Weary World Rejoices

Have you ever really listened to the lyrics of O Holy Night? Like really listened?

Maybe I had never truly listened before or maybe I have not had this heavy feeling of weary at the holidays before, but when I heard O Holy Night this week, the lyrics shook me.

Long lay the world, in sin and error pining
‘Til He appeared and the soul felt its worth

A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks, a new and glorious morn

-O Holy Night

We, as humanity, are coming at the Christmas season weary.

I do not know what your personal struggles may be at the season, but I know enough to know that you have them.

Typically, I do not like to list out my current struggles because in a lot of ways I feel as though then I am comparing my struggles to yours and thus diminishing either of our hards. Hard is hard is hard.

But in an effort to be vulnerable and also to show you the stature I had when I heard O Holy Night, you should know what has led up in my little family’s life to understand this moment:

My father-in-law passed away from a series of medical issues, on November 8th after spending two weeks in the ICU with his two sons and wife by his side. My spouse and his brother then came home to help us tell our respective children that Grandpa had passed away and then they packed up to go support their mom for a few days. While they were together grieving, they were exposed to Covid. After a week, my husband came home and went into isolation in our home, thus taking over our master bedroom and putting me on the couch, unable to hug my grieving husband. While in isolation, my husband developed Covid from his exposure. Thanksgiving came and our three kids and I did not get to spend the day with our favorite human. Also, let us remember, Grandpa also is not celebrating Thanksgiving with us…and neither is Grandma, who is alone now. During this time, another family member who was close to the grieving process of my husband’s father was hospitalized with Covid. Oh and also, we had to switch to distance learning because Covid is running rampant here and I am both a parent of students in distance learning and a teacher. So, everything is a lot.

Heavy. Hurt. and then I heard the lyrics.

the weary world rejoices

O Holy Night

And finally, I had a word for all that I have been feeling: weary.

So many of us are weary right now. You may be weary from employment issues, social unrest issues, equality issues, addiction issues, fertility issues, health issues, money issues, parenting issues, pandemic issues, life issues.

The crazy thing that makes me pause is that all these issues, accept for pandemic issues, were present in life before the pandemic began. However, right now, we as humanity are feeling one massive issue collectively, on top of all other life issues that have always been there. This has the opportunity to draw us together because we can all feel the collective heaviness that is right now. We collectively are weary.

We are a weary world but we have reason to rejoice.

Life is hard. Life between the two gardens is hard. It just is. Sin -not your individual sin so keep reading. I am not blaming any one person.- But sin entered the world in chapter three of the first book of the Bible. There are 1,189 chapters in the Bible and it only takes three chapters of it for us to have sin enter the world. Chapters one and two tell us how God had this plan as He created creation and it was all good. All good. There was no death, no shame, no anger, no need, no jealousy, no suffering. It was all good. Then sin entered the world and it is just the pits after that until we enter the other garden, which is Heaven.

So here we are, between two gardens, living in a hot mess of the world and we are weary. This year we can feel the weariness. But, we have reason to rejoice. Rejoice because this is so not how it is supposed to be and one day, it won’t be. It just won’t be.

The lyrics go on to say:

He knows our need, to our weaknesses no stranger

O Holy Night

Yes! He knows our need. Oh my word, does He know our need and our weaknesses. He knows it all and fierecely loves us anyways. That is reason to rejoice.

Truly He taught us to love one another;

His law is love and His gospel is peace.

Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother;

And in His name all oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,

Let all within us praise His holy name.

O Holy Night

Love. Peace. Joy.

These are amazing reasons to rejoice. As you read God’s word, you see the theme of love, peace, and joy written all over it. It is not the condemnation that many feel religion brings. No, faith is not the laws, but rather the grace by faith.

This season is a season of joy because our savior has come and He will deliver us from this weary, weary place. It was never supposed to be this way. He can bring us peace. He wants us to show love and we are so deeply loved by Him.

So as we walk in the heavy, we have hope. So much hope. We can rejoice as we will not be in this ick forever.

And, there is some Earthy peace in knowing that this weariness is not something that is unique to our current human experience in 2020. Almost 200 years ago, a man, Adolphe Adam, felt this weariness in 1847, as he composed O Holy Night and turned his hope to Jesus.

To read more like this, check out Surrendered and Suffer well.

Surrendered.

Mountains and valleys:

We think that life is made of highs and lows, but somehow we forget the climb. The middle. The suffering and the growing.

When you are at the top of a mountain you can see your successes and be awe inspired by the journey you’ve been on and He who has helped you reach this moment.

When you are deep in the valley, you can see the dauntingness of the mountain before you. One can find themselves going deeper or retreating from moving forward.

However, we do not spend enough time talking about where most of our time is spent: the climb. The part when we are not giving up but oh my, is that mountain a hard climb. So hard.

Everyone is experiencing some sort of climb right now. I am not sure what your current situation is, but given that we are in the midst of a pandemic, with rising cases each day, one can assume you are feeling some ripple effects of this season. Our family is feeling it. Our family, as with many other families, are experiencing other life crises at the same time, because as it turns out, other horrible things can also happen in a pandemic.

Everything has gotten pretty “a lot” lately. Maybe this is you too. You know it could be worse, but you also know it could be better. In fact, you know it can be better because it was better just a few weeks ago and now you do not know what a few weeks from now will look like. For me, that is daunting.

There is a Matthew West song that just echos so much of what society wants us to feel and the contradiction to what our hearts are screaming. My favorite lyrics are:

I say I’m fine, yeah I’m fine, oh I’m fine, hey I’m fine

but I’m not, I’m broken

And when it’s out of control, I say it’s under control

but it’s not

and you know it.

Matthew West -Truth Be Told

Things are not fine right now. They just aren’t. Everything is out of control and I am broken. I cannot pretend everything is okay. Maybe you feel this too.

I tried to control it. I tried to change the plans I created and make new plans. I tried to fix what I thought I could fix. But everything just keeps piling on. Piling on in a level that has become almost comical because of the sheer ridiculousness of all. the. things.

And turns out…this one is bigger than me. So much bigger than me.

I keep running to God. Not in my structured routine of daily quiet time every morning. But constantly. I have run to Him more than ever before. And then I was reminded of Psalm 46:10:

Be still and know that I am God.

I have to surrender.

Surrendering is not giving up. It is knowing when you have done your part and now have to release it to the one who can do what you cannot.

God. God is in control. I firmly believe that God does not cause bad things. However, God does allow you to walk through the hard with Him beside you, to grow you.

He is in control. He is sovereign. He works all things for good.

So, I surrender. I give it to God. I do not know what tomorrow will bring, quite literally. However, I have to anchor to the truth that there is a bigger picture here and God will clear the way. He will clear the path on this hard climb. He will move us forward. Otherwise, if I do not anchor to this truth, I know I will fall off the mountain into a deep valley. I have been there before. I am not going back today.

So I surrender. Maybe you need to surrender too.

It is okay for things to not be okay. Stuff is hard right now. Hard Hard. Not broken dishwasher hard, but lots of things are crumbling and normal is so far away, hard. Some things will never return to how they were before. Hard.

But, keep climbing. Please keep climbing. Stop trying to find the path yourself, but surrender and let God clear your path.

We will eventually get out of this hard middle and we can be at the top of this mountain again. No climb is without it’s struggles. However, there is nothing wrong in admitting it is hard.

Surrender. This battle is bigger than us.

And to check out Matthew West’s beautiful reminder to let the truth be told, check out this video. Listening to our kids sing this song in the car today reminded me how beautiful it is to show our kids the importance of not putting on facades but sharing our struggles.

To read more like this, check out Suffer well, A Weary World Rejoices, Looking for the bird seed, Showing up for the lesson, and Mountains and Valleys.

leaving a legacy…carrying a legacy forward

I love black jelly beans…

in a probably more than healthy way. But is it because of their unique flavor or because they remind me so much of my Grandma Peetz? I also love hugs from squishy older women and have a fondness for daytime Oprah because of her.

I love all things Christmas and probably not just because it is clearly the most wonderful time of the year, but because my Grandma Fran lived for everything Christmas. Our girly is named after this woman because of the spunk she had and how much I loved her.

I love history, but is it because I am fascinated by the stories of the past or because my Papa Jim would watch the History Channel on volume 100 every night? Our son is named after both this grandfather and my Papa Warren because of their powerful influence on me.

And my word, do I love calling my oldest child Peanut because my Papa Warren called me Peanut since the moment I entered the world, until the moment he left, telling my Daddy to “Say goodbye to my Peanut for me.”

I have no doubt that you could also list out the things that make you uniquely you, that have been brought on by the people who have loved you and walked ahead of you in life. These memories are their legacy. We honor the time they spent with us by thinking of them and talking about them as they leave us.

Our youngest child is a deep thinker and a processor. She is selective in what she shares and has to toss her thoughts through her own brain before she articulates them. It is a complete honor whenever she opens up and shares with me. She and I got a rare moment alone together as we waited for grocery pick up and she brought up family and I knew her heart was thinking about her grandpa, my father-in-law, who passed away a week ago.

“Do you have a great grandpa?”

“Yes. So do you. We all have ancestors.”

“What is an ancestor?”

“The family that came before us.”

“What was your grandpa like?”

And so began our healing conversation of me sharing with our girly my favorite stories of four of my favorite people, all of which I was very blessed to know, and all of which I have had to say hard goodbyes to.

“How do you remember so much about them?” our girly asked me.

“Because I think about them a lot and I talk about them. It is okay that it makes me sad sometimes, but it also makes me really happy to remember them. I am happy when I think of things that they taught me or showed me or that we did together. Being sad because someone is gone is part of being so happy to have been so loved while they are here. We can keep loving people when they are gone, by remembering them.”

Then my five year old shares how she misses Grandpa. A lot. She says she can still remember him. Of course she can. We will keep on remembering him by talking about him and my husband will share about him.

We will never again eat Tic-Tacs without thinking about him, as he was constantly handing them out to our kids. Once our son even got one stuck up his nose and my husband had to use needle nose pliers to get it out. Thanks Grandpa.

I told our girly how Grandpa is the one who taught me how to shoot a gun. Me, a girl from upstate New York, who had never in her life shot a gun or had the desire to, spent a Father’s Day in northern Minnesota with a folding table covered in guns, target practicing. And..it was amazing.

I thought about how I ate lutefisk (basically fish that has the consistency of Jell-O) in an effort to earn positive favor of my future father-in-law, and I do think it did help me get some bonus points. I would do it again if given the opportunity to do it beside him.

I thought about my incredible husband and brother-in-law, who are amazing, godly, loving, supportive, all the good things- men, who my father-in-law and mother-in-law raised. The way they act in life and treat others continues the legacy of my father-in-law. I am often blown away by the goodness that is my husband and lately I have been feeling very grateful to my father-in-law for the work and sacrifices he made in raising him.

I thought how we can never watch a Vikings game again without someone making a connection to what Terry would have thought about each play. And, my word, I do not want to see the Lindner men if the Vikings ever actually do make it to the Super Bowl. I do not know if Terry would be happier that they made it or upset that he missed it?

I chuckled because my sister-in-law had just shared with me how she is hoarding soap that smells like him.

Smells. Sounds. Experiences. Conversations. Foods. Memories.

I thought about how we have to keep talking about these things and sharing these things because our experiences with those who we love do shape how we view the world. When you have the gift of having someone love into your life, it is so risky because you have a very real chance of losing them one day. But if you do it well, you will be forever shaped by their love and pieces of them will continue on with you as you continue forward.

We have to honor these legacies. We have to feel the feels and share the stories. We have to continue it on. And… our kids, they get it. Invite them in. Let them share. Yes, they have different views of the same memories, but these are their stories and they need to be able to solidify their moments. Otherwise, one day, our girly will grab a pack of Tic-Tacs and think nothing of it…and I don’t want to live in a world where we don’t remember those we love in the simple moments of our lives.