Life can be messy, chaotic, and overwhelming, but when you change your perspective, you can see something truly beautiful, much like the inside of a kaleidoscope. When you turn the kaleidocope just right and look towards the light, you can see the most beautiful, intricate, unique picture, created out of a random array of beads and broken glass, or a mess.
Last year, at 36 years old, I got my first tattoo…quickly followed by second tattoo. I wrote about it here: Mountains and Valleys. I started thinking more about metaphors, symbols, and also I had learned about about leaning into the pain and leaning into the season.
After a series of many dark years, I learned that I am someone who likes to push forward or avoid my current situation in an effort to finding more pleasant experiences. I think that is rather typical for human nature: avoid pain, seek comfort. But, all this hiding from pain, or dreaming about the next thing, left me missing out on the current thing, even if the current thing is pain.
Through my heartache of depression and alcohol addiction, I learned that that by hiding from pain or suffering, you are not escaping it. Eventually, when you come out of the hiding space, it is still there, and oftentimes in a much more layered pile. Ugh.
Eventually I had to face it all.
Eventually I had to be present.
Eventually I had to learn the beauty and the growth that comes in the suffering and in the still.
There is beauty in all the seasons.
Life is a series of seasons.
A series of growth, abundance, death, rest.
A cycle of new beginnings, flourish, harvest, and still.
It is so fiercely rhythmic that it cannot be denied there is a gloriousness in the way our days unfold over time.
But still, we often forget about the roots in each of these seasons. The roots that spread, give life, and hold us up strong. Our roots do not disappear in the dark days. The growth does not cease, it is just not visible from the surface. Roots are essential to growth and to life.
It is so challenging to the human design to stay planted in our current season. We keep wanting to move ahead, or at least this is how I am wired. So, last year, with my new tattoos on my arms, I was paddling with my husband, sitting on the paddle board because the wind and the current had taken me a bit downstream, and I mentioned to him that I want to stay grounded in my current season. If it is good or bad, challenging or easy, I need to stay grounded in it because there is a lesson to be learned in it, plus life has taught me that the season will change. We have to show up for the lesson and suffer well.
I began drawing this preliminary series of four lines and a flower in all the stages of seasons, being sure to always have a root present. I have drawn this several times, always with the understanding that I am not an artist, but this is what I want and I want it on my foot as a reminder to stay grounded in my season. Keep my foot planted in the season. Stop moving.
Let us pause and give credit to my tattoo artist who turned this drawing into what you actually see on my foot. Thank goodness for that.
Fast forward to this April, I got that tattoo.
And…since I am all about balance, I got a tattoo on the other foot too. I got an arrow. I had been thinking about this idea for a bit, but nothing as deep as my seasons, or my mountains and valleys, or my garden… but a simple arrow that reminds me that sometimes in order to propel forward, you have to pull back.
There is a story in everything. Each season teaches us so much. Share your stories too.
Plus, for anyone keeping count, yes, I have gotten 4 tattoos in 9 months.
I have never denied having an addictive personality.
we are all made of many pieces in one really messy puzzle
vulnerability and authenticity
These are two traits that I have come to realize are extremely valuable to me.
What you see of me is who I am, in all settings. However, they are just pieces of me.
The smiling family photo.
The piles of laundry in the corner of our bedroom.
The row of degrees that fill the top of my resume.
The deep need for naps on weekends.
The methodical lesson planning.
The unkind word spew when I am tired.
The loud, energetic story teller.
The withdrawn wallflower.
The put together, trendy, and with wedged boots.
The unshowered, messy bun, have I brushed my teeth yet today?
The crying.
The smiling.
The one who is pushing through.
The one who has surrendered.
The Christian.
The human mess.
These are all true of me. Every single time.
I bet some of these are true of you too, but I also know you have other pieces.
I am not faking it. Those smiles you see are real, but so are the tears and the push through. The calm is followed by the chaos. I am all these things and each time you see a piece of it, do not think that there is not more to it.
We have a saying in my circle, “layered onion.” We are all layered onions. There is so much more there than what is first seen and it does not mean that we are hiding anything or building walls, but sometimes, you are seeing a piece. An authentic and often very vulnerable piece.
But we are all much more than one simple piece.
I have come to the understanding that being known and deeply understood is really important to me. I love deep relationships and really struggle with small talk. I love when I have the opportunity to know someone’s heart and to share my heart with them. I take it as such a gift when people lower their walls and let me in. I know that this is a huge privilege as many of us walk around with fortresses covering anything beyond weather conversations. But, we were made to know each other on much more profound levels and to be deeply known.
The only way to be deeply known and deeply loved is by letting people see the pieces. That takes a lot of courage. Vulnerability comes easy to me but I completely recognize that it is not the same for everyone. However, offer a piece.
And on the other side, when you see a piece of someone, also remember it is only a piece. We have areas where we really rock it and also areas where we completely sink. Do not allow yourself to be fooled into thinking others are hitting levels you think are not possible for yourself because of the pieces you see. When you see that person doing amazing in one area of their life, celebrate and honor that, but also remember that they probably have areas where they are really struggling. Remember, pieces and layered onions. These people who are straight up slaying it in some areas might be fighting really hard to do so and need your encouragement and still need your love because they are probably fighting some hard mental things to gain that one win.
I know this because I am this. But, I also know this is true for everyone because I have been a human long enough to know that everyone has a struggle. Allow me to share a few of my pieces to help paint the picture of how messy our puzzle pieces are:
I am currently mentally stronger than I have been in years but life is throwing a lot at our family, as with many of yours right now. I am still showing up at school and doing my best. I smile and encourage. I help facilitate professional development and I suppose, from the outside, I present a picture of someone who has their stuff together. I am genuine when I smile, encourage, and walk beside my peers in this unknown world of teaching in a pandemic. But also, I come home and am spent. I am quiet and withdrawn to recharge my batteries. I need weekend naps and rest. I have cut down how much I even build some of my other relationships right now because I am so worn down from trying to do something that is very new and ever changing at school, while also trying to focus on loving my spouse and our children well in a very hard season. Both these sides are very, very real and very true of me.
And if we take it back two years, I was coming off a huge opportunity to grow as an educator, having just done a ton of additional training out of state for a year, and was building my resume in huge ways at school, but also was privately struggling with the second largest depression of my life which lead to me having a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol, which in many ways stole a few years from me. Since then, I have grown significantly in realigning my values and have now been sober for over six months and fifteen months since my last bout with alcohol where I walked with a lot of shame. However, both of these sides are very, very real and very true of me.
We are more than our smiling faces. But, please do not dismiss the smiling face as a fake face. Rather, we can all try to see more and give grace for the more. We all have stories to tell, or to hold tight, but we all have stories. We all have pieces.
Please start sharing your pieces and please start seeing the pieces of others.
Encourage one another when they have great wins but also encourage them in the unseen sorrow.
Start looking at people as pieces and strive to help build the puzzle, one interaction at a time.
A bit more about how I got here:
I am currently thirty six years old. Yes, I did just have to stop and think about that because I have now become the age that you do not know your age immediately upon being asked. But, I am 36 years old and it has taken me 35 of these years to actually begin to know who I am and become comfortable in my own skin. I have come to this place after a series of lots of lows, some highs, lots of love, therapy, refection, Jesus, and time.
I am an 3 on the Enneagram. If you have not learned about the Enneagram yet, do it. It has opened up my eyes on how to love and accept myself and has also really helped me to love and accept the ones who I walk with. Threes are achievers. Threes often define themselves by their accomplishments. Threes struggle with feeling that they have value or are known without direct words affirming this. Threes also fear that they will be misunderstood. This is a wildly simplified explanation of a three and I am sure I will write heavily on this in the future. But, for today, to help you understand your heart and to understand the hearts of others, I really encourage you to take a deeper look at the Enneagram for yourself. But, some key things to note:
You cannot type someone else. This is about the motivations in your heart, not your behaviors.
While the tests are helpful, you do need to look deeper into each type and be really honest with yourself to help see which type best fits you.
You are not just a number. You can identify closely with the type, but let us also remember we are also individuals.
Do not weaponize the Enneagram to bring others down by being whatever type they identify with, but rather allow this tool to help you to understand people who see the world different than you.
This is not an excuse to keep doing the thing you do because of the type you identify with, but rather gives you the opportunity to see why you do something and help you to grow to see how to do it in a healthy way. (Example: I try to get my value and self-worth from my accomplishments. I did not realize I did this until I studied the Enneagram. Now, I try really hard to remember my self-worth does not come from what I accomplish and to be okay with who I am just based on whose I am. This is an ongoing struggle for me.)
This is not a “Christian thing” but rather a tool for anyone. It has become very popular in Christian culture because it allows you to see yourself for how you were designed and also allows you to lean into the grace of the gospel for all that you can grow in.
Embrace the current season of your life. – Gabrielle Blair
As I was driving home tonight, I was blinded by the light. The sun was glaring in my eyes. I looked at the clock and it is 5:45 and there is still light. For anyone living in the tundra, this observation is a welcome sign that spring is near. We made it. We have made it through another winter.
Winter symbolically is a hard season, known for its harsh elements, solitude, darkness, quiet, and lifelessness. Everything seems to be on pause or muttering through until the first signs of light again. When the world was designed, it was done with beauty, even in those dark moments of winter, as the cycle of the seasons so perfectly match our seasons of life. The new life of spring, the lively days of summer, the death of fall, and the wait of winter. If you are fortunate enough to go around the sun year after year, you can start to appreciate the ways the seasons work and blend into your own life.
Lately I have found myself in a wintery season. Yes, we have new life, which would lead one to think that I am in more of a spring season, but emotionally, I have been feeling vey wintery. Everything is just a bit harsher lately and sometimes I feel very alone in my own thoughts. We are waiting for the days that we can get out and do things, but right now I sometimes feel rather trapped and alone, even though I have three beautiful children who are always close by. My husband and I are spending so much time being present and raising our children or working hard to develop our professional craft, that we have not given our relationship the time and attention it needs. Right now we are surviving and making it through, but we are not growing in our relationship or growing together. We are in a winter.
To take the metaphor a step farther, in winter the roots of strong trees do not disappear, they are just silent. The bulbs that will bring beautiful flowers are just waiting for their chance to sprout. Life and beauty is still there, hidden under the snow, patiently waiting for their chance to show their full potential.
Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly. – proverb
Feeling the light on my face the other night reminded me that this hard time will end. This season will end. They always do. That is how our world works. Spring will come. A new season in our marriage will come. We will have to be intentional about that, but it will come. Winter is the hardest season but it comes every year. My husband and I are in a winter, but that does not mean we are in trouble, it means we are going through the normal cycles of life, marriage, relationships. It is how we emerge from this winter that will show the strength of our marriage. Literally, we do this with our surroundings at the end of every winter. Once all the snow is melted, we will look around to see what else has survived the winter, or what needs repairing, or replanting. Each year we have this chance to re-evaluate our surroundings, make adjustments, and try again next year.
There is some comfort in knowing the predictability of the harsh season and being able to prepare for it. We need to be doing that in all our facets of our life: Enjoying the wonderful seasons but also carefully laying the ground work to prepare for the harsh ones. Having lived in Minnesota for 6 years now, I have learned about the summer tasks that must happen to be ready for the long winters, such as taking the hose off the house so you do not have a frozen pipe, or making sure the gutters are cleared so that you do not have an ice dam, or growing a gigantic garden so you can make homemade sauce…eventually. However, I have not been as diligent or intentional when it comes to life’s figurative seasons and preparing for them, even though I should know by now that with all the good, the hard will come too.
Every season has its purpose. My grandma was a woman of her own type of faith, but one thing she really made sure to reiterate time and time again with me, was the importance of understanding that everything has a reason.Everything. She was right. Winter is this brutal season of struggle. However, there is also the profound feeling of success when you come through the harsh season. I was recently talking with my sister-in-law about struggling and how it is hard to struggle and even harder to watch your child struggle. But, how important it is in both your own life and your child’s to go through the struggle. In the struggle is the learning and the growth. As both parents and educators, we know this. It is harder when it is you or your child dealing with it, but emotions aside, we know that an appropriate level of struggle is actually really good for us. As I felt the glow of the sun, it gave me hope that the growth has happened, this lesson has been learned, and it is time for new life, or a new perspective, moving forward. This winter has served its purpose.
While I reflect on this current wintery season and rejoice in the coming light, I have these take aways about seasons, change, and growth:
Each season has a time.
Be fully present in each season, as they are intentionally designed.
Be open to the change each season will create.
Prepare for the hard seasons, while embracing the good seasons.
Every season has a purpose.
Make sure you do not leave the season without learning its purpose and be humble enough to grow from it.
So here I am. Reflecting and listening. Waiting and growing. Struggling and pushing forward. I will get through this season and I will love my spring and summer, but I also know that winter will come again.
Seeing Life Through a Kaleidoscope 