the lion and the eagle

Being a human is hard.

Being a human and trying to do what you think is right is hard.

I am someone who acts. I take action. Leading is natural for me. I lead at home, at work, at church, etc.

However, has it become so natural that I do not think it all through?

I find that each time I try to do good, somehow I am left with more mess and more heavy, making me want to retreat and not move/engage/breathe at all.

Maybe you have felt that too? You try to help only to unlayer more layers of this awful onion of issues. All issues that need to be addressed and all issues that are valid. This is applicable in relationships, workplace, parenting, oh man is it applicable in parenting, and just life. You want to keep helping and keep fighting for what you think is right but you find yourself just so exhausted by the battle.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I have been praying about it endlessly. What is my role to play? What do I need to do?

And then, I was given the image of a lion and an eagle.

Lions: fierce, mighty, strong, protective, leader

but lions are also terribly destructive. They leave a trail as they move to act, breaking branches or stomping on grass to make their move.

Eagles: fierce, mighty, strong, protective, leader

but eagles are also precise, calculated, observant, and leave little trail of destruction in their decisions to act. Eagles, because of the gift of flight, can swoop in and swoop out, never destroying the area around their course of action.

Be more like the eagle.

An eagle has the gift of impeccable sight, seeing eight times farther than a human and can focus in on the object of their vision. They fly from a distance, but are constantly watching around them. They soar, let’s not say hover, but soar around making informed decisions of when would be best to act and what part is theirs to play.

A lion’s roar can be heard from as far as five miles away. Talk about calling attention. What is the purpose of the lion’s roar? To know it is there. Yes, there is a time to use your voice. Absolutely. But, are you calling attention to yourself or are you calling attention to the issue? Are you listening or are you roaring? The roar insights fear, not love.

I have been thinking about this analogy for a few days and then my family and I went for a walk in the woods yesterday. As we were walking, my children screamed, “Eagle!” and up above us was an eagle, majestically flying around above us. This eagle, was gliding through the air, observing the world around it, and making decisions on when and how it should act. The eagle did not interfere with our walk, just made it more beautiful by its presence, and there was a peace in knowing it was there.

I say this as a human, not the mouse or fish it was stalking.

The eagle is so unobtrusive, that you cannot even see it in this picture.
But it was there, soaring above.

It has made me think…am I leaving a trail of destruction in my effort to do good? Or am I making precise and thoughtful decisions towards the goal of love, unity, and restoration? Am I providing peace in my presence or intimidation?

I also have this thought process that all the problems are mine to solve. How heavy of a burden that is to carry and a burden I placed on myself. I have a role to play, but from a place of observation, I can see my part…and also see other people’s parts. I need to allow others to act and trust that all the pieces come into play. I cannot control my spouse’s actions, or my friend’s actions, or my coworker’s actions. I do not know what is going on in their heart and what they feel called to do. But, I have to give them space and time to do their part of the story. By trying to manage it all, I am taking away their opportunity to act.

Action is necessary. Taking out bystanders in my path to act is hurtful.

Being a human is hard enough. Thoughtful, precise, and purposeful action based upon observation and reflection might be the kinder, more loving way to move us.

Be more like an eagle and less like a lion.

Peace. Awe. Wonder.
These are the emotions that come when you spot an eagle in the woods.
And that drive that causes you to look up. Look up.

 but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:31

For more like this, check out Surrendered, Suffer well. and Mountains and Valleys.

Sobriety Part 4: the climb

The climb. Have you ever been hiking and trying to get from the bottom to the top…and just know that at the top you are going to feel so elated that you did it, but getting there…oh getting there is hard. The difference between the valley and the climb is that now you are fighting for better. Fighting to climb out of the darkness and to the light. Fighting to conquering this dang mountain.

I wish I could tell you that after I made the decision to stop drinking that it was all easy. Each day was easy. But, that would not be true..and we are here to share the truth.

I went six months without a single drink. I fought for each day. I came up with this line that I still tell myself today:

I don’t know when I will have a drink again. But it is not today…and most likely, not tomorrow.

And then, I had a series of todays which led to six full months without a drink.

It is imperative that I pause here and say, friend…if you need more help than this to stop, seek it. My alcohol abuse was at the level where I was able to stop without detoxing or needing the additional support of rehab, but truly, had I continued on the path I was on, I fear that I would have need these additional supports. If you need the additional supports, seek them. There is no shame in admitting you need them. Share what is on your heart with someone you love and trust, but also someone who will not enable you to continue on the destructive path you are on. Someone who will fight for you, when you have stopped fighting for yourself.

In my story, I still had not come to piece with a label of what I am/was. Am I an alcoholic? Am I “just” abusing alcohol? Is this a forever thing or just something I needed to pause from? This internal battle and seeking to define who I was now was causing a lot of rocks in my climb. I spent hours processing this with my therapist trying to figure out what exactly this all is.

My therapist helped me to understand that there is a spectrum when it comes to alcohol abuse. One can be abusing alcohol in a way to numb whatever is going on in their life, in a way that is no longer healthy. This can lead to an addiction to alcohol and the numbing feeling you get drinking it. Along the way, if you do not rein in the habit, it leads to full alcoholism, which when left untreated, does cause for a detox and rehabilitation for healing. Either way, name it or not, when alcohol is doing more harm in your life than good, it is time to be done with alcohol.

We worked through that… in my case, we thought, I was someone who needed to just reset some boundaries and then I could try to drink responsibly again. So, in January, after six months without a drink, I had a drink. I handled it fine…but…the internal battle of, “Did I say something inappropriate?” or “Did I cross the line again?” or “How did I act?” would beat me up. It was exhausting to have this after recap payout in my head, especially when I knew I had only a few drinks and in full control.

Then in March, my husband and I started whole30 and on whole30, you cannot have alcohol. That was fine for us. It was a good line in the sand for me. But, then when we finished our 30 days, I had a few drinks again. It was now spring…in a pandemic…and a Summer Shandy at night sounded good.

But then it became a Summer Shandy each night. Only one or two, but I did not like where this was headed.

In my mind and I have cross checked this with my husband, I do not feel I had any situations in that spring that were like before…no blacking out…no falling down…no hurtful spew to others…no ick. But, I do know there was one occassion where I had more than my alloted few, but I did not wake up with regret. However, I did wake up and replay every. single. interaction to make sure I had not done something that was ick.

How exhausting to constantly be replaying all my actions.

During this time, I felt this pull to be done with it all, for good. Just be done with it. I did not like how I was feeling with the emotional recap..I did not like the gray of knowing do I drink, do I not drink. If I go out with friends, should I have one drink or should I just have water and explain this whole thing? It was all pulling at me.

I had also been more honest with those around me about what had been going on in my life for the years before. Unfortunately, some people dismissed what was happening to me as not a big deal and made me feel like I was seeking attention by sharing I had problems with alcohol. Oh friend, if this is happening to you, it is not true. Share when you are comfortable and you know your story. You know what you felt and what you went through. You want to get better and sharing helps hold you accountable and encouraged. So share with the people who will love and encourage you. Brush off the ones who are making you defend how bad your drinking was. They are not going to be the ones who walk beside you right now. But, one day, they will probably come beside you or even look to you for strength when they realize that maybe you were shining a little bit of light on a problem in their own lives.

God and I had gotten really close during this year. He and I met every morning at five to share an hour together. I read the whole Bible. I journaled so many journals. He knows me, as He always has, and now I knew Him. I also now knew to listen to Him. He has really amazing plans for all of us and I want to see it through.

May 19, 2020

Lord,

I know you’ve been pulling at me for a while for this. I’m nervous to write this because what if I fail? But, if I don’t commit it. to paper it won’t happen. So, because of grace, I am going to attempt.

This summer I’d like to try a sober summer. I’m nervous about failing but feel I have so much to gain. I don’t want to miss the memories or live in the regret I feel after drinking.

Lord, I’m asking for your strength to make this possible.

I think you’ve got incredible plans for my life and I do not want to miss it.

Here’s to the first day in a life of a few where I’ve not had a drink. I want the freedom that comes from this slope. I haven’t had any of the experiences I had last summer… and I would like to keep it that way.

“I don’t want to abuse your grace. God I need it every day. It’s the only thing that makes me ever really want to change.” *

There’s my last 2% Lord. But, you already knew that.

Amen

*Holy Water by We the Kingdom

This was eight months ago…yesterday. Sober summer came and went…then fall..now winter. I keep going. There is no angst in my head to replay what I might have said or did. There is no regret on what my kids might have seen me do. There are no pictures that I fear the world might see. There is only freedom. Legit freedom from the battle in my head.

Is life easy? No. life will not be easy. It just won’t. However, I have learned so much about strength and I have clear eyes to see navigate the hard. So many lessons that I want to share with you…

But for this moment, sweet friend who has sat beside me as I have laid this all out, lets just soak in the climb.

I do not know when I will have a drink again. But it is not today, and most likely not tomorrow.

let it leave its mark

When a tree experiences trauma, like a storm, its trunk is permanently impacted by that moment. It can and will keep growing strong and tall, but will forever show markings of that moment.

The other reason a tree may have this unique bend is because it was not getting what it needed from their current position, so the trees trunk began to grow in the direction where it would receive the light it needs to survive. Permanently marked because it fought to survive.

We have all been marked by an experience, experiences, or moments. We have scars from when we fell on our bikes as kids. We have scars from when we have the chicken pox. We have scars from surgeries we have had. We have changes in our skin from children we have grown in our bodies. We are marked by life. Our markings tell our story.

My body is full of scars. I have had several surgeries throughout my lifetime, lots of falls, a real unfortunate treadmill fall, and lots of damage done to my body by myself over time leaving me with a lot of loose skin, lots of markings, and lots of stretch marks. My body is marked by my life experiences. Your body is also marked by your life experiences.

When our son was 4, he had an unfortunate run in with a golf club to his eyebrow. You could see bone when you looked at him. After a series of stitches and being oh so brave, our boy who did not have any permanent marks yet, got his first real scar. I remember thinking how his face would never be the same again. He was changed. He was marked. And now, when I look at our sweet boy, his inch long scar over his left eye is a symbol for the time he was a total badass and allowed a doctor to sew his eye brow without having to be held down.

Two of my favorite little people are covered in scars from multiple surgeries starting just moments after their birth. Being friends with their parents is one of the best gifts I have ever received because they have shown me perspective, the ability to persevere, and so much love. These little people who are now ten and seven, are two of the bravest individuals I know, next to their parents who had to watch it all happen. Their bodies are full of scars, some that can be hidden under clothing, and some that are out for the world to see. I love the ones that are there for the world to see because to me, it shows their strength, their badassness, and their ability to take on some really hard things and do it with amazing grace. Their scars give me strength to tackle the hard things. I pray these two little ladies grow up showing off their scars, not hiding them, because of the strength they represent. Their families are doing an incredible job of empowering these fierce firecrackers to know how strong they are and how amazing their scars are.

Scars, markings, the left behind reminders of a season are not a bad thing. They show us our strength. They need to be better celebrated and acknowledged. They lead to someone’s story and someone’s heart. They can also show you how far you have come, how much you have grown, and remind you of your own perseverance.

Not all scars or markings are left on our outsides, most often it is our heart that takes the most marks. Can you imagine what our hearts (not the beating one) would look like if all the pain and suffering we experienced internally left an actual marking. We need to acknowledge that internal marking that no one else sees, but we feel. We have felt it and continue to feel it. That shifting, that struggle, that growing, that strength brought on by suffering, pain, joy, and life.

We are coming to the close of what for many of us has been our hardest year. If it was not your hardest year, I think most of us can agree it was a challenging year. For some of you, I want to acknowledge that this may have been a joyous year marked by some global ick as you experience pregnancy or welcoming a baby home. I am so happy for you and want to encourage you to scream your joy out loud, for we all need to hear those great things too.

The thing is, I see people running at 2021 wanting to get as far away from 2020 as possible and forget it all behind. Don’t. Let this year leave its mark. Reflect on what ways you have been changed, shifted, fought to survive, impacted by trauma, and yet, you made it. Let the year leave its mark so that in the future, when you experience more hard, because you will, you can remember that you made it through this hard. You made it through stronger. You grew on tall and strong. You adjusted, much like the tree, in order to survive the changes. You are going to need these reminders because hard will come again and it will not magically disappear on January 1, 2021. Life just does not work that way. But you have changed. You are stronger. You have markings that show that you have grown, you have lived, you have survived. Let this season mark you.

Or you can be like me and get your first and second tattoos at the age of 36…in 2020, deciding it is time for you to choose what marks you.

To read more about these markings, check out Mountains and Valleys.